I hate bad news - empathy for all

I hate bad news. Today I heard one of those horrible stories about people hurting each other. A terrible, horrible story of pain inflicted on other people. I just wanted to run away. I got mad, mad at the people who told me the story, mad at the reporter telling the story, and mad at the people who had committed these vile acts. Mad ma mad.

I stomped around my house, shouting at nobody, "how could they"?!? I may have even broken a drawer I opened it so fast and hard.

Then I calmed down. I remembered this story recently, about how psychopaths can turn on and off their empathy like a switch. 

They don't have any empathy for their victims, I thought. They could, if they chose to, but they don't.

One of the reasons that I practice empathy is so that it's natural for me. So that it becomes a part of who I am. So that I can live this life without hurting other people.

I also practice empathy every chance I get so that when I hear someone talk about hurting others, I won't turn away from them in anger.

So what does empathy mean for me?

It means that every time I meet a new person, I smile, I make eye contact, I say hello. I practice putting myself in their shoes. I make effort. I try not to judge.

It's about keeping my mind ON empathy, and not letting myself turn it off. Even for the most evil among us.

Janet

Empathy and anger

This week I heard a few stories that struck me. First, over the weekend I had a close friend tell me about an argument she had with her mom. She had yelled at her, and said some nasty things. Then she said to me, "I'm mad. Empathize with THAT."*

A few days later I heard another story on the news, about a gang war in New York City. A boy was murdered in a drive by shooting, and one gang took the credit on a video on youtube. In the video they rapped and sang and said, "Put yourself in my shoes, wouldn't you be angry too?"

What both of these stories have in common, to me, is that they are about overreacting to anger. When I get angry, I know I react in strong ways - sometimes I hurt people. Sometimes I act stupidly and hurt myself (stubbing my own toe in anger is something I've done more than once. Ow.) Although these stories are very different, I also believe that both people were asking the listener for something, too. "I'm mad" they say, "so you should be mad too." I think they are asking me to say what they did was all-right. To me, that's going beyond empathy.

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When a person asks you to 'empathize' with them, they say that they want you to KNOW how they feel. "If you only knew how I was feeling!"

I believe that the point is to try to be in their shoes - but maybe I won't actually get there. The point is not to justify their behavior, but just to listen. Empathy helps me to remove judgments, and to learn about how others live and survive in this world. Ultimately it helps me to be there for another person. Hopefully I can help them feel like they are not alone.

If I had a chance to talk to this rapper boy in this gang, maybe I could ask him about how he felt that day. If they say they were angry, I can feel angry too and I can bring up those feelings when I talk to them. I can try to feel what they feel. I can try to not say the words, "what you did was justified."

Have you tried to listen to someone recently? Have you been there for someone in need? How did it go?

Janet

* For my friend's sake, I did try to listen to what she was saying. I commented about how it sounded like she was really mad (trying for empathy). My next sentence was something like, "yeah, well, and I see what she did and why it made you mad." In hindsight, I don't think that what I said was good - I was essentially justifying their bad behavior. Hopefully next time I can keep my mouth shut, or figure out how to say something better.. :)