I am so grateful for the opportunity to practice empathy in this way.
Sometimes it's a lot of work, sometimes I don't feel like it, but when I do it the rewards just keep coming.
Every time I push myself to listen with empathy to family and friends, my relationships become stronger. Every time that I push myself to say "how are you" to strangers, look them in the eye and MEAN IT, their minute interactions with me stay with me all day and for days afterwards.
There was a man with dark skin and a deep smile, who shared his joy at getting his palm leaves yesterday.
There was a young waitress, who shared her feelings about a expected late night at work, and the pluses (tips) and minuses (missing time with friends).
There was the hardworking sales representative I met on an airplane, who shared her memory of teasing about her uncommon name (Cassandra).
All these people stay with me, and my life is so much richer for them.
One of the reasons I write each week is to make connections to all of you. I do more work, but I feel like I know more about the lives of the people around me. And it truly brings me joy.
Have you connected with someone recently?
Janet
Monday, March 25, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Self awareness - not feeling social
Not feeling social means to me that I'm tired of empathy, of sympathy, of listening. As rewarding as it is, sometimes I'm just DONE. I need to be in my own head.
This is a selfish place to be but it's also a comfortable, easy place. Like a favorite chair, well used in all the best spots.
This is, however, the worst place to be when I need to be social, for family or friends or work. I don't want to get out of that easy chair. And when I force myself out I can be mean to those around me. Resentful is probably a better word, since it reminds me of the behavior I see in my kids when I tell them to stop doing something. So consciously, I know that it's completely childish and yet I still do it.
Which is not the best thing!
So I guess acting this way is kind of like when I eat a lot of chocolate. It feels good to do but is not good for me. Mmmmm chocolate.
Thankfully for me (and for my family, friends and co-workers) these feelings often pass quickly. So my takeaway from this is to just ride it out. Once the feeling passes I'll be back to my old self again.
Another takeaway is if I see myself acting angry or resentful and there doesn't seem to be anything behind it, it means I probably just need some me-alone-time.
What do you do when you want to be alone? How do you feel?
Janet
This is a selfish place to be but it's also a comfortable, easy place. Like a favorite chair, well used in all the best spots.
This is, however, the worst place to be when I need to be social, for family or friends or work. I don't want to get out of that easy chair. And when I force myself out I can be mean to those around me. Resentful is probably a better word, since it reminds me of the behavior I see in my kids when I tell them to stop doing something. So consciously, I know that it's completely childish and yet I still do it.
Which is not the best thing!
So I guess acting this way is kind of like when I eat a lot of chocolate. It feels good to do but is not good for me. Mmmmm chocolate.
Thankfully for me (and for my family, friends and co-workers) these feelings often pass quickly. So my takeaway from this is to just ride it out. Once the feeling passes I'll be back to my old self again.
Another takeaway is if I see myself acting angry or resentful and there doesn't seem to be anything behind it, it means I probably just need some me-alone-time.
What do you do when you want to be alone? How do you feel?
Janet
Monday, March 11, 2013
Empathy and Conflict
I'm in the middle of reading a fascinating book, "Getting to Yes". It's all about learning the best ways to negotiate to agreement.
What strikes me reading this book is how much impact negotiation has on our everyday lives. For instance, if I learn how to negotiate better with my family I can have a happier life. If I learn how to negotiate better with my workmates I can have a more relaxed workplace existence.
-----------
As a kid, I loved to argue with my family. I loved to get into a heated debate, with each side fighting for their points. I firmly believed I was right all the time (of course, ha ha) and therefore it was in my best interests to present my points vehemently. I thought if I was just willful enough, they would see my point of view.
When I tried to do this with strangers or co-workers, I was met with anger. Presenting my position seemed to be the quickest way to tick people off. For example, if someone asked me the question, "Why are you a vegetarian" my response would be to present my position:
- what reasons I used when I chose a vegetarian lifestyle
- what things I saw (and continued to see) that encouraged me to choose this lifestyle
- the benefits of this choice that I saw (and continued to see) for myself
This kind of stuff would really get people angry. They would fight and argue with me, as if what I had said to them was an attack. They would yell, or otherwise express anger, and try to tell me what I was doing was wrong. I have always had a hard time understanding why people would react this way.
_________
This book I'm reading about the ways to negotiate has made me see these interactions differently. If a person is starting a conversation by stating a position, according to the book, this person's comments can be interpreted as a personal attack or an attack on ideas. It is (as a result) natural for a person to respond to an 'attack' with a defensive posture, and to get angry. Not that everyone responds this way! But many people do.
What does all this have to do with empathy? Well one of the ways that the book talks about approaching a possible conflict is to have empathy for the other person. To start by trying to see things from their point of view, to put yourself in their shoes. Here's how I would redo the above 'vegetarian' conversation with empathy and with the ideas in this book:
Q: "Why are you a vegetarian?"
A: "That's an interesting question, I get that quite a lot. I'm wondering what is driving your question, can you tell me more about your understanding of vegetarianism?"
What are your hot-button topics, what ideas have you tried to present that have set people 'off''?
P.S. I've been asked recently 'how's Lucy' and I would just like to say that she's handled the winter just great. The ground is getting soft and her claws are getting muddy, but she seems to love being outside on these early spring days.
Janet
What strikes me reading this book is how much impact negotiation has on our everyday lives. For instance, if I learn how to negotiate better with my family I can have a happier life. If I learn how to negotiate better with my workmates I can have a more relaxed workplace existence.
-----------
As a kid, I loved to argue with my family. I loved to get into a heated debate, with each side fighting for their points. I firmly believed I was right all the time (of course, ha ha) and therefore it was in my best interests to present my points vehemently. I thought if I was just willful enough, they would see my point of view.
When I tried to do this with strangers or co-workers, I was met with anger. Presenting my position seemed to be the quickest way to tick people off. For example, if someone asked me the question, "Why are you a vegetarian" my response would be to present my position:
- what reasons I used when I chose a vegetarian lifestyle
- what things I saw (and continued to see) that encouraged me to choose this lifestyle
- the benefits of this choice that I saw (and continued to see) for myself
This kind of stuff would really get people angry. They would fight and argue with me, as if what I had said to them was an attack. They would yell, or otherwise express anger, and try to tell me what I was doing was wrong. I have always had a hard time understanding why people would react this way.
_________
This book I'm reading about the ways to negotiate has made me see these interactions differently. If a person is starting a conversation by stating a position, according to the book, this person's comments can be interpreted as a personal attack or an attack on ideas. It is (as a result) natural for a person to respond to an 'attack' with a defensive posture, and to get angry. Not that everyone responds this way! But many people do.
What does all this have to do with empathy? Well one of the ways that the book talks about approaching a possible conflict is to have empathy for the other person. To start by trying to see things from their point of view, to put yourself in their shoes. Here's how I would redo the above 'vegetarian' conversation with empathy and with the ideas in this book:
Q: "Why are you a vegetarian?"
A: "That's an interesting question, I get that quite a lot. I'm wondering what is driving your question, can you tell me more about your understanding of vegetarianism?"
What are your hot-button topics, what ideas have you tried to present that have set people 'off''?
P.S. I've been asked recently 'how's Lucy' and I would just like to say that she's handled the winter just great. The ground is getting soft and her claws are getting muddy, but she seems to love being outside on these early spring days.
Janet
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