Recent reading - The Empathy Exams by Leslie Jamison

Lately I've been doing a lot of 'empathy' reading. This isn't a formal book review, since I haven't finished the book yet.

"The Empathy Exams" by Leslie Jamison

At first, I wasn't sure if I was reading something true or made-up. By the second story, I was really confused, I thought it couldn't possibly be real.

Then I heard the author give an npr interview that made me realize that yes, this was definitely non-fiction. I wondered why I was so confused so I went back and re-read the first story and realized my mistake. The lines the author drew between herself and her subjects were very faint. In her essays she steps in so close to other people that she nearly becomes them. Perhaps it's her style, but it read like a novel to me.

The author also spent time asking herself if it was okay to feel empathy. She was an investigator; trying to find out the value of empathy both for the person feeling it, and for the subject of empathy (the person we are connecting with).

It gave me a lot to think about, and so far I'm really enjoying the book.

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One thing I found interesting was her analogy* for meeting new people. She compared it to the idea of visiting a foreign country; people, she said, want to be the owners of their feelings. There are things we consider acceptable to talk about; and other things we do not like discussing at all, and we want to control who can access what part of ourselves.

I agree that it's a fun idea; thinking of people as the dictators of their own country. Some people have open borders and are welcoming. They love visitors and will allow anyone through, happily showing you around and forgiving any mistakes you make in dealing with the customs of the land. Other people show themselves as closed off (know any people like this?). If you want in, you have to have special permission, or you must have been born (in the country) part of their family to get full access. They tell the world that they don't want to share.

The idea that people can be possessive about their emotions really rung true for me. I was thinking about experiences I've had with people who are more willing to share their feelings if you gently request permission to cross their border. It's scary to think that someone is going to come marching right in. Who are they? Do they know our customs? Will they steal or hurt? We don't know unless we let them in. This is what being open is all about; being vulnerable to being hurt.

We possess our feelings like we possess our things. To borrow our things or to gain entry to our house, our culture tells us that we must ask permission. As much as I love this list of empathy traps, I would add 'not asking permission' to the list. If I say to you, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your dead cat. I'm sure that feels bad.", I'm marching across your border. I'm assuming I already know the customs (feelings) here and I can tell you all about it. I may as well visit a foreign country and assume everyone there speaks English. On the other hand, if I say "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your dead cat. I can't imagine how that feels, do you want to talk about it?" Then I'm letting them know that it's okay if they want to share their feelings, but it's also okay if they don't. I'm asking permission to cross their border.

What do you think of this idea?

Janet

*This was her analogy, not mine, I take no credit for it. These are just my musings on her idea. If you want to see the full concept - please go pick up the book and send the author some kudos.

Book review - Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell

by Susanna Clarke

http://www.amazon.com/Jonathan-Strange-Mr-Norrell-Novel/dp/0765356155

This book has all of the trappings that make me want to love it. It's got magic. It's got fairies. It's got great language and conversation - the sort that makes me zoom and fly through the pages like The Fairy King*'s own crows. I read another review which called it "Hogwarts for Grownups" (NY Times).

This book definitely had fun - an absolutely fun up and down ride. The pages were stuffed with activity, heavy descriptions of the landscape were balanced against light conversations where people were saying just what I hoped they would say just when I hoped they would say them. I was the fly on the wall during what was apparently the greatest magical upheaval that England had ever known; and it was a jolly good time.

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What I didn't like, I suppose, was that I felt the book was just a hair too long. I'm one of those people who reads the Lord of the Rings Trilogy or the Harry Potter seven-gy for fun; so when I say 'too long' I really mean 'a bit dull at times'. She uses footnotes** extensively, and I felt they made the story drag.

Also, I had a few issues with the characters. Aside from the title characters, most of the other people were more like false actors in someone else's play. It seemed like they were such amazing, interesting, fun people; but they didn't breathe; they didn't live. I didn't close the book and feel like I knew them.

I will say again that I loved the fantastical plot and most of the time I didn't want to put it down, just that sometimes I just wanted her to 'hurry up' and get to the next good part. I truly wanted to like the characters more, and I didn't.

Overall, I give the book a 3 and a half out of 5. A good book with some great fun. I may read it again - and I may like it better the second time around. 

*The Fairy King is a character in the book.
**What do you mean 'extensively'? I mean that in every chapter, there were pages dedicated to short footnotes and longer drawn out sub-stories that took me away from the main story again and again.

Book Review - "The Pen Prostitute Short Stories Volume 1"

Are you looking for a new book? Are you trying to build up your empathy muscles by reading some good non-fiction? Here's my review of "The Pen Prostitute Short Stories Volume I" by Cybele Tamulonis.

In short, these stories make the concept of 'bad things happening to good people' into a dance; a piece of art that I very much enjoyed being led through. The author is fond of the macabre and of the last second twist. Her writing draws you in fast and hits you hard, as I believe good short stories should do.

I finished the book pretty quickly, and I immediately concluded that the story, "Happy" was my favorite. Not just my favorite, but also the most accessible for me. As I mentioned before, I'm more of an optimist in general and I don't like hearing bad news, and as the title suggests that particular one had a clearly happy ending.

Another of the stories that I found myself emotionally invested in was "The Accidental Dentist". This one I think reflects pretty well on her writing style; she will pull you in one direction while pushing you in another, back and forth during the story. I followed the heart of the dentist while feeling the story of his assistant, hearing their shared life.

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Each of her short stories reminded me of having a really good dessert - let's say I'm out to dinner, and I've ordered a slice of chocolate cake. When it arrives I take my first warm and chewy bite; I get the strong sweet notes of exactly what I was expecting - as each story did deliver a good feeling and an immediate connection with the characters.

Then I'm assaulted by the unexpected flavors - sour cherries, bitter clove, or of hints of spicy chili. I don't know if I like it or not but I keep going because I'm drawn into it. The mix of sweet and spicy and sour and tangy words and cake have taken over my thoughts and my spoon and before I know it, I'm done. Only after the plate is clean do I look back on the experience; I think about the mix of elements in the story and wonder how I managed to read it all so quickly and so easily. It was great, I think.

And yet...there's a slight bitter aftertaste. Something that reminds me that not all is right in the world.

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If you like character stories with reminders of the cruelty of humanity, then this book may be for you. Let's hope she keeps it up with Volume II.

Janet

Book review - The Bookie's Daughter (A.K.A. Empathy practice through reading)

About a month ago, on a friend's recommendation  I picked up a copy of "The Bookie's Daughter" by Heather Abraham. Here's a link to the website for the book.

I'm a big fan of books and reading in general. I read primarily on an e-reader these days, but I still love to pick up the old paperbacks. I love to get lost in the pages of a great story or to just get a good laugh. Sometimes even the smell of an old book is enough to make me feel good*.

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It has been suggested to me that reading books of nonfiction can help you to have empathy by letting you see inside a person's mind, and see the life that they want to share.  Which is what you are all doing right now by reading this blog, seeing into my thoughts.

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My review is that I liked the book - I give it two thumbs up! 


I really liked the author's voice that she chose to use in her writing. She was clearly an older woman writing about her experiences as a child and teenager, and I heard the older woman's voice speaking occasionally, looking over our shoulder with the quotes atop each chapter. Primarily, however, I heard the voice of a child. The girl was bright and crass, loving and tough. She had a lot of attitude and she seemed to keep her cool in almost any situation.  I wondered at the time how she managed to remember so many details of events, including specific conversations, from decades ago. Was she inventing them, or did she do research with other witnesses? It seemed hard to believe that a girl so young would remember the past so well.

I know that for me, I remember events down to the last detail when they are horrible, or scary, or one of those moments that seems to last forever. In this case I believe that much of this girl's childhood was exactly that - horrible, scary, and one of those moments that seemed to last forever.

As frightful and heart wrenching some of the events described in the book are, the other thing I particularly enjoyed about the storytelling was the sense that no matter how bad it was the author was never going to go 'too far' with me. She kept it dangerous, but still safe. She held my hand, so to speak, through the darkest parts, and I knew that everything would be okay in the end.

Finally what I really found amazing about the book was no matter how hurtful the members of her family seemed to be, it was absolutely clear that they loved her, and that she loved them.

Read a great book lately? Tell me about it!

Janet

*Honestly I was pretty shocked to find the above link exists at all - but apparently I'm not the only one likes how old books smell!