Driving with empathy

By their nature, cars impede empathy.

Which is good, because when we're driving we need to be able to focus on the road and the cars and the signs and the traffic. We can't spend our time communicating and reaching out, we have to be isolated in our cars, separated from the world and flying down highways at amazing speeds in a little metal box.

I've heard about the new self-driving cars and trucks being tested and I'm all for them. I think we should be able to stop worrying about protecting our lives while we drive, and get back to the incredibly difficult task of living our lives and being people.

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I'm going to get a little Luddite here; I think that driving is the most unnatural thing we do as humans and we should find a better way to do it. Perhaps it's the lonely nature of a ritual commute or the fact that it's wholly unlike anything our early human ancestors would have ever done, but it doesn't feel like it's what we should be spending hours or days or weeks of our life doing.

The closest 'natural' experience I have to driving is walking. I imagine that I'm strolling down a street, keeping a certain distance from the people around me. Other people are moving too, but they are moving at close to the same speed as me, so it doesn't look like we're all moving very fast. My instincts tell me this is a reasonably safe thing to do, because it is. When I'm walking there's little chance that bumping into another person will result in my immediate death or harm.

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Driving feels like walking, but it's also such an inhuman experience. We don't see and understand the stresses of our fellow drivers, we don't have their faces to interpret. We don't talk to them and they don't listen (well, maybe we do but they don't hear us). Perhaps that's what makes it feel so unnatural.

There are some people who are inventing ways to better communicate while driving (see the Wiper Wave). I wondered if there were other great ideas out there for a special invention or 'empathy system', so I asked my Facebook friends for help.

I did get some responses;  such as "Front and back lights display one word messages that can be voice activated by driver" or the "Apology sign.". These types of responses are like the Wiper Wave, because they are about expressing ourselves ('talking') while we drive. One person even wanted telepathy, the ultimate communication!

Talking is a two-way street, though, and someone has to listen. One of my friends said that we don't need a better way of communicating at all; instead, we need to all pay more attention to the signals we're already sending and receiving; such as lights and hand gestures. I'm not sure I agree; but it does tell me that we're not treating each other like people on the roads.

Unlike a nice saunter down an avenue, driving (especially commuting) is very dull. I'm just completely done with the same roads and the same cars and the same highway signs. Sure, when the seasons change it gets a little more interesting but it's still tedious. Getting bored is apparently a common thing, and more importantly, when we get bored we stop paying attention to anything and people get hurt. (See bored,  bored and bored).

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I imagine a future where I enter a road on my regular commute, and my car (all by itself) locks into place directly next to someone else's car. I'm not driving anymore, I'm riding. So maybe I'll relax, make a few calls and talk to my friends or family. Maybe I'll be working already, talking with someone over a computer screen or finishing up a project with my team. Or maybe I'll strike up a conversation with Sonia, the girl in the car next to mine.

Optimistically,

Janet

tldr: Self-driving cars will be great, because then we won't be bored and we'll start talking to each other again.

Dear @Shialabeouf I'm sorry I read your interview

Dear @ShiaLaBeouf,

Today I read your interview. It made me sad, and I cried. I'm actually very sorry that I read your interview because it was too personal. I got a very good look inside your head - and as much as I know about you, you know nothing about me - and that doesn't seem fair.

Janet

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If I have empathy for someone I see on TV or read in a book or magazine, is that false? What good does it do for me to build empathy with someone that I'll never meet, and may not even be real? There's a difference between the feeling of empathy (I feel/imagine feeling what you are feeling) and a real connection between two people. What is a 'connection', anyway but a shared knowing and understanding of each other's feelings? If I know your feelings but you don't know mine, then I don't believe it's a real connection because it doesn't go two ways.

In the Shia LaBeouf interview, he expresses a range of feelings; anger, frustration, acceptance, and pain. Through his words (filtered through the interviewer's perspective) I think that I know what Shia is feeling. I am being given exactly what I think I want; the view inside someone else's head. His head. If he's playing a role or he's just being himself, either way the empathy I feel is real.

When I watch a movie, hear a great song or read a story, I get so much more (in most cases) than I ever would in real life. A narrator gives us the background and details. The camera eye follows people around a room, listening to everyone's conversations. It is this omniscience that gives me the false idea that I am connected to them. When I see an actor showing emotions; my mind wants to believe that they are a real person and it's their emotions I'm seeing. I see an actor play a role and go through a tragedy, and I fall into the belief that it's their tragedy.

I know this is just a one-way street. It's not a sharing of feelings; because he's not seeing me as I see him. If my best friend told me a story about how she was attacked by a bear, I would want to help her. I would want her to know that my heart beat with hers, and that I could be there for her if she needed me.

But if someone is on TV and is not a friend, and I see them go through something horrible (or something wonderful) how can I tell them I want to help them (share their joy with them)? They are far away and unreachable. They are not real (and I know they are not real). I crave connection and at the same time, I feel very disconnected and unsatisfied.

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I feel that the best actors are the ones who are able to get their heads inside of the characters they play. They become the people we believe them to be, for the short while they play them. That makes it real - even if it's only for the time that the camera is on and pointed in their direction. There is something real going on; there is a real person in there, expressing real feelings.

Then when the show is done and the microphones are gone; these actors put those characters aside and become themselves again. The fictional character is gone but that doesn't stop me from wanting to keep that feeling alive. I hold on to the moment of belief so that I pretend that the famous actor is still actually the person we think they are. He's still the captain of the Starship Enterprise. [Or maybe he is.] She's still Mrs. Smith [Or maybe she is.]. It's not real; but it feels real and sometimes I want to keep it that way.

Janet

Errors in conversation - knowing failure when I see it

I'm not the greatest at live conversation. When people complain, when I hear people tell me all about the horrible things in their lives, I become a problem solver. Instead of building up empathy and connecting with their feelings I try to fix their issues. I do this over and over again, but recently I had an experience that was a little different.

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A few weeks ago, I was visiting my friend Gina while she had some other people over. Another friend, Sara, was in the kitchen telling a group of us all about her husband who was sick. As she spoke, her head dropped lower and lower. She seemed to be using that tone of voice I've heard when people are trying not to cry; a little choked up, overly high-pitched and false-happy sounding. She was sad, but she did seem to be getting some relief by opening up to both of us about the many fun times her and her husband had together, before the illness. She moved on, describing the very limited life they lived now; they were only travelling short distances, they hadn't seen certain close friends in many years, and they had to carry their medical equipment everywhere they went.

As Sara went on, Gina commented, "Wow, so there's nothing that can be done? Have they tried all the medicines? What about surgery, have they tried that? Which hospital did she go to?" Etc. I was noticing that Gina was doing exactly what I've done so many times - she was trying to fix her problem.

As Gina continued her medical analysis, I realized I was seeing the entire discussion as a spectator, it was like watching a play open up before me. Sara's face had gone blank, and she was numbly answering Gina's questions one after the other. It was clear to me from Sara's reaction to Gina that the 'let's fix you' language was so very wrong; because I could see Sara dropping out of the conversation. She had stopped making eye contact with any of us, and she acted like she wanted to leave the room as soon as she could.

Since I was seeing it a bit detached, I was able to react differently than I've done before. I said, "I can't imagine what that's like for you, how have you been holding up?" I gave her one of my favorite facial expressions - the Curious/Sad face. I use it on my kids sometimes when they are crying but I have no idea why.

It seemed to work - she snapped out of the blank stare, and reacted calmly. She felt her feelings and then moved on, and we were able to move on.

It was clear to me that Sara wasn't asking us to, "Please fix my husband's problem." She was expressing her feelings, saying, "I'm sad, and I want you to tell me that you hear my sadness."

What do you do if someone is complaining to you? How would you have reacted to Sara, or to Gina?

Janet

We are meant to face each other

Growing up in New York City I learned not to make eye contact with strangers. I've talked about the fear I learned in New York City before and this is another aspect of it. It's the way I learned to let my eyes glide over the people walking towards me, or to look down at my feet.

I learned that making eye contact was dangerous, but now I'm doubting that fear. I had many experiences where a stranger would make eye contact and then try to talk to me; once or twice it was a tourist asking for directions. I'd try to help if I could. Sometimes they were begging and trying to get me to give them money, and sometimes I would give them money. Other times, especially when I was alone, I would walk away quickly. Once I remember a guy who just wanted to smile at me. Still, I learned to be afraid of these interactions. I learned that I could get hurt.

How many of you live somewhere with a lot of people, and maybe have learned the same thing? Now that I've lived outside of the city for a few years I believe I've lost this skill; and I'm not sure I want it back.

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I believe that our bodies are designed to interact with each other. We're built with faces that are flat, and faces that are full of expression. I believe that we are meant to look into each other's eyes and see how people are feeling, to react and to interact with those emotions and to hear other people's ideas.

Now when I visit a city I see that it takes hard work and focused effort to ignore people. This 'skill' of ignoring the people around us may be necessary in certain situations, but I believe it's hard for me to do because it's not what I'm meant to do. I'm going against my nature. What's easier for me is letting go of that. I'm trying to open myself up to making eye contact - making complete contact, that is, with everyone I meet in my life.

There's this famous scene from the old movie Crocodile Dundee where he says hello to everyone he meets while walking down a crowded street. You can see it in the preview:

It's a funny scene because most people in New York City don't act this way. I don't think it's funny anymore, think it's admirable.

How do you 'see' people in your town?

Janet

Is this a party, or is it a group of people ignoring each other?

I believe that we all crave connection. I've had some great conversations since starting this journey and I believe it's possible to have real connections every day. I still struggle with how to make it happen.

Let's take an example - a kid's birthday party. Just a group of kids and parents getting together over good food and a nice day; it could have been a social event, instead it turned out to be a total dud.

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I was there for my daughter, but I knew I might be seeing some other adults and we might have real adult conversations, so I was looking forward to it. It was a beautiful day, the kind where you turn your face to the sun just to feel the warmth.

I arrived at the same time as a bunch of the other parents, put on my smiley-face and shook hands. Hi, nice to meet you, oh, which kid is yours? Oh, right, that one. Uh-huh.

The food was laid out and the kids got to serious playtime. The grown-ups? We just stood around. Ignoring each other. Picking at the guacamole. Sure, there was a little small talk like, "Oh, is that the cheese platter?" and "Is this imported spam?" but not a lot in the way of of real 'getting to know you' conversation.

I walked up to one of the other moms and opened with some simple 'how are you' questions, and commenting on the nice day. Real easy stuff, I thought, but she didn't respond. I thought, "Okay, maybe she's just not in the mood to talk." So I tried again, with one of the grandparents. I asked her "What do you do?' and she glared at me. "Well, I'm in the middle of a big project at work right now....". She told me about her job, but she didn't sound like she liked her job, it was more like, 'well, I have to do SOMETHING so here's what I do..' .

I realized later that by asking her about work I completely fell into one of my known conversation traps. I should never, ever ask what someone does for their job. If they like what they do, they'll bring it up and talk about it without any prompting from me. If they don't it's a conversation killer.

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Later that same weekend I was listening to Car Talk on the radio. These guys are funny, and part of their radio personality is to quickly start conversations with people they don't know. Their method is to learn where someone is from, and then ask, "What do you do for fun on a Saturday in (town name)?"

So I decided to try it. The next day, we ran into a family from that same party, having lunch. My husband and I joined them, and I started right in with the Car Talk question, "So, where are you from again? And what do you do for fun on a Saturday afternoon in your town?"

It was amazing! They opened up right away and got very excited to talk about their town, restaurants, playgrounds, life. They were immediately comfortable and chatty. We moved from 'awkward' to 'casual friends hanging out' in a span of 3 minutes.

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What I want is for people to talk about things that make them happy, so I can get to know them and how incredible they all are. I think this works because for most people I meet, where they live makes them happy. They have chosen to live where they do. They feel good about it, so they have lots of things to talk about. If they don't like where they live, this is an opener for them to say what they do on a weekend somewhere else. It's an open question with lots of possible answers.

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So - what do you do for fun on a Saturday afternoon, in your town? :)

Janet