Internet Blues

My good friend, who I respect and care about, posted a political joke on her Facebook page by 'liking' it. As a result, I saw it in my news feed. It clearly wasn't an invitation to a discussion, it was simply a hurtful thing said by folks from one political party about folks from another political party. 

I had feelings in all sorts of different directions when I read this; anger, sadness, and disgust to name a few. But my first coherent thought was "That's not funny".  My second thought was, "Do you really feel that way about me?"

After my friend posted this, I started to let it get to me. I thought, I won't forget this for a long time. I'll remember this when I see her at the grocery store, when her kids are at the school recital and I when we see each other at trick-or-treating or other local events. 

That's horrible! She made one statement online and suddenly the reasons I like and respect her go out the window. That's not a strong friendship, I thought, if it can be destroyed by one image. 

But then I had a different thought. I didn't choose to be friends with her because of her political affiliation, her religion or her stance on abortion law. I choose a person as a friend because we treated each other kindly, and respected each other. So what was really going on here?

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When I first joined social media o-so-many years ago I made a joke at someone's expense. What I didn't realize was, that they also were able to see it. I never forgot that moment when I talked to the person later, in-real-life, and she asked me that same question, "Do you really feel that way about me?"

Of course it wasn't just a joke, right? It was an expression of a feeling I was having at one moment, based on the understanding that only certain people (people who understood how I felt, and agreed with me) were reading it. It was me saying something mean that I would never, never have said to her face.

I've seen a lot of this lately; this vitriol thrown about so that nobody can ignore it. It's as if we're going to work or school or bars or restaurants wearing our political parties on neon green t-shirts or tattooed to our foreheads. It feels like a very quiet act, when I like or share a post. But I know that to the person reading it the message has the volume turned all the way up. 

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I wish I could go back in time and take back every re-tweet, share, like or comment on political stories in social media. But I can't undo what's been done.

What I can do is choose to try to have empathy for her. I'd rather assume she's just quietly saying "Hey, I like this". That maybe, just maybe, she didn't mean to shout at me.

Janet

...tis a gathering

I'm very excited for today. I've got my friends coming over for a play date.

When I was a kid we didn't make play dates; there was no point because I would see and talk to my friends every single day. I would go to school and there they were, in my classes or in the hallways. We would have lunch together. We would leave school at the same time and, because I couldn't bear to spend another second apart from them I would stay after school and hang out on the street talking to them some more, until the very last absolute second when I had to leave. I would walk out of my door and enter the world of 'with friends' and not leave it until the second I pulled out my keys to unlock my door again and was home. I love thinking about this time in my life; because I was completely part of a group. I belonged to a group of people who cared about me and wanted me around as much as I wanted to be with them.

*snif*

Yeah, good times.

I remember being a kid and thinking about what it would be like to have a job and be all grown up; I thought I would be simply doing an exchange. I was trading 'school time' for 'job time'. Both required me to be at a fixed place doing fixed things for periods of time every day, so I didn't see a difference.

In my case, the difference was that I didn't stay in my old neighborhood. So for me to see those old friends now takes a whole lot of effort, coordination, patience, and some last minute phone calls and text messaging.

But it's totally worth it to see my friends again. It feels like this.

Janet

Hi, I'm Janet and I like warm hugs

It's the first day of religious school for my daughter, I'm the new parent and I'm nervous. When I'm nervous I tend to reach for things that make me happy, chocolate or sunshine, things like that. I also try to be more outgoing in order to find more experiences for you fine folks to read about. :)

So - I put on my best happy face and approached another pair of moms. I notice right away that I'm the tallest one - which is odd, because I'm usually shorter than everybody. I begin with the standard.

"Hi, I'm Janet."

The first mom looks up. She looks startled and a bit confused. She takes my hand and shakes it, then says, "Oh, yes, hi, I'm Diane."

"Hi Diane. Wow, first day. How was your trip in today, do you come from far away? "

etc.

I think it's kind of funny to look at myself this way - I'm really a shy person, I still find myself wanting to hide in a corner at these events and think "Nobody wants to talk to me, they all know each other, I'll just stay out of the way." Two years ago I was just a mouse in the corner, head down, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Not to say that I'm still not shy, I am. What I notice is that it hurts less now to push myself out in front of people, perhaps because I've been doing it so much.

Janet

Errors in conversation - knowing failure when I see it

I'm not the greatest at live conversation. When people complain, when I hear people tell me all about the horrible things in their lives, I become a problem solver. Instead of building up empathy and connecting with their feelings I try to fix their issues. I do this over and over again, but recently I had an experience that was a little different.

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A few weeks ago, I was visiting my friend Gina while she had some other people over. Another friend, Sara, was in the kitchen telling a group of us all about her husband who was sick. As she spoke, her head dropped lower and lower. She seemed to be using that tone of voice I've heard when people are trying not to cry; a little choked up, overly high-pitched and false-happy sounding. She was sad, but she did seem to be getting some relief by opening up to both of us about the many fun times her and her husband had together, before the illness. She moved on, describing the very limited life they lived now; they were only travelling short distances, they hadn't seen certain close friends in many years, and they had to carry their medical equipment everywhere they went.

As Sara went on, Gina commented, "Wow, so there's nothing that can be done? Have they tried all the medicines? What about surgery, have they tried that? Which hospital did she go to?" Etc. I was noticing that Gina was doing exactly what I've done so many times - she was trying to fix her problem.

As Gina continued her medical analysis, I realized I was seeing the entire discussion as a spectator, it was like watching a play open up before me. Sara's face had gone blank, and she was numbly answering Gina's questions one after the other. It was clear to me from Sara's reaction to Gina that the 'let's fix you' language was so very wrong; because I could see Sara dropping out of the conversation. She had stopped making eye contact with any of us, and she acted like she wanted to leave the room as soon as she could.

Since I was seeing it a bit detached, I was able to react differently than I've done before. I said, "I can't imagine what that's like for you, how have you been holding up?" I gave her one of my favorite facial expressions - the Curious/Sad face. I use it on my kids sometimes when they are crying but I have no idea why.

It seemed to work - she snapped out of the blank stare, and reacted calmly. She felt her feelings and then moved on, and we were able to move on.

It was clear to me that Sara wasn't asking us to, "Please fix my husband's problem." She was expressing her feelings, saying, "I'm sad, and I want you to tell me that you hear my sadness."

What do you do if someone is complaining to you? How would you have reacted to Sara, or to Gina?

Janet

Is this a party, or is it a group of people ignoring each other?

I believe that we all crave connection. I've had some great conversations since starting this journey and I believe it's possible to have real connections every day. I still struggle with how to make it happen.

Let's take an example - a kid's birthday party. Just a group of kids and parents getting together over good food and a nice day; it could have been a social event, instead it turned out to be a total dud.

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I was there for my daughter, but I knew I might be seeing some other adults and we might have real adult conversations, so I was looking forward to it. It was a beautiful day, the kind where you turn your face to the sun just to feel the warmth.

I arrived at the same time as a bunch of the other parents, put on my smiley-face and shook hands. Hi, nice to meet you, oh, which kid is yours? Oh, right, that one. Uh-huh.

The food was laid out and the kids got to serious playtime. The grown-ups? We just stood around. Ignoring each other. Picking at the guacamole. Sure, there was a little small talk like, "Oh, is that the cheese platter?" and "Is this imported spam?" but not a lot in the way of of real 'getting to know you' conversation.

I walked up to one of the other moms and opened with some simple 'how are you' questions, and commenting on the nice day. Real easy stuff, I thought, but she didn't respond. I thought, "Okay, maybe she's just not in the mood to talk." So I tried again, with one of the grandparents. I asked her "What do you do?' and she glared at me. "Well, I'm in the middle of a big project at work right now....". She told me about her job, but she didn't sound like she liked her job, it was more like, 'well, I have to do SOMETHING so here's what I do..' .

I realized later that by asking her about work I completely fell into one of my known conversation traps. I should never, ever ask what someone does for their job. If they like what they do, they'll bring it up and talk about it without any prompting from me. If they don't it's a conversation killer.

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Later that same weekend I was listening to Car Talk on the radio. These guys are funny, and part of their radio personality is to quickly start conversations with people they don't know. Their method is to learn where someone is from, and then ask, "What do you do for fun on a Saturday in (town name)?"

So I decided to try it. The next day, we ran into a family from that same party, having lunch. My husband and I joined them, and I started right in with the Car Talk question, "So, where are you from again? And what do you do for fun on a Saturday afternoon in your town?"

It was amazing! They opened up right away and got very excited to talk about their town, restaurants, playgrounds, life. They were immediately comfortable and chatty. We moved from 'awkward' to 'casual friends hanging out' in a span of 3 minutes.

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What I want is for people to talk about things that make them happy, so I can get to know them and how incredible they all are. I think this works because for most people I meet, where they live makes them happy. They have chosen to live where they do. They feel good about it, so they have lots of things to talk about. If they don't like where they live, this is an opener for them to say what they do on a weekend somewhere else. It's an open question with lots of possible answers.

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So - what do you do for fun on a Saturday afternoon, in your town? :)

Janet

With a little help from my friends

This past weekend was a holiday weekend, and it was full of truly fantastic moments. I had lots of time with friends and family, getting outside and enjoying the weather. I even saw a beautiful rainbow, and this is how it looked just before it disappeared. (yay!)

Also, I sliced my hand with a knife. (boo!)

I was being foolish, really. I was attempting to cut a watermelon the wrong way (note, this is not quite like carrying a watermelon) and the knife slipped a bit further than I wanted it to.

I stood at the sink, water running over my hand and trying to get my head straight over what had happened and what was I going to do and how badly was I hurt. I couldn't look at it. I've heard you are supposed to put pressure on these things, so I did. There wasn't much pain but I was very woozy. I was scared, I thought I had hurt myself very badly. I didn't know - maybe I needed to go to a hospital and get stitches. Thoughts about 'what would I do about the kids' and 'oh gosh I've not done this to myself in a long time' were running through my head.

I asked for help.

Thankfully I had friends nearby, friends who knew first-aid and could offer assistance. They were there for me, and I'm so very grateful for their help.

Physically they helped by showing me how to stop the bleeding, by moving me somewhere restful and by keeping the kids happy elsewhere while I recovered. Thankfully I didn't need an emergency room.

Mentally, my friends and family helped by gathering around and saying all sorts of wonderfully supportive things. They reassured me that I was going to be fine, they told me that I didn't need to worry about anything, that they would help. They asked me how I was feeling, and listened. They held my hand and made me feel better.

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As I was being cared for so well, I couldn't help but think about other times I was in pain, times when I was around folks who were 'less than helpful'.

For example, I've had people compare my situation to other people's. Have you had this happen to you? "Oh, look at that, your leg was hit by that hockey puck. It's swelling to the size of a baseball. My friend had that once, and he was in the hospital for three days. Yours doesn't look as bad." The author of this article calls the above kind of comment the trap of 'Even Worse'. I felt even more hurt when hearing these comments, because I felt like they were telling me that my feelings of hurt and pain were not valid.

When I'm hurt, I may cognitively understand that there are plenty of people in the world who are hurting more than I am. Emotionally on the other hand I need to get past my own hurt before I can recognize others' pain.

If I try to put myself into these people's shoes, I remember how it feels when someone I know is hurting. I want to help in any way I can. One thing I've tried to do, and perhaps this is the reason that people say these things, is to distract them from the pain. From the outside I think 'distraction is good'.  From the inside, I believe that the pain is sometimes worse when I try to ignore it. I have to look my pain right in the eye and say 'yes, I'm hurting' to move past it.

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What kinds of things do you say to people who are hurt? What do you want to hear when you are in pain?

Janet