Internet Blues

My good friend, who I respect and care about, posted a political joke on her Facebook page by 'liking' it. As a result, I saw it in my news feed. It clearly wasn't an invitation to a discussion, it was simply a hurtful thing said by folks from one political party about folks from another political party. 

I had feelings in all sorts of different directions when I read this; anger, sadness, and disgust to name a few. But my first coherent thought was "That's not funny".  My second thought was, "Do you really feel that way about me?"

After my friend posted this, I started to let it get to me. I thought, I won't forget this for a long time. I'll remember this when I see her at the grocery store, when her kids are at the school recital and I when we see each other at trick-or-treating or other local events. 

That's horrible! She made one statement online and suddenly the reasons I like and respect her go out the window. That's not a strong friendship, I thought, if it can be destroyed by one image. 

But then I had a different thought. I didn't choose to be friends with her because of her political affiliation, her religion or her stance on abortion law. I choose a person as a friend because we treated each other kindly, and respected each other. So what was really going on here?

----

When I first joined social media o-so-many years ago I made a joke at someone's expense. What I didn't realize was, that they also were able to see it. I never forgot that moment when I talked to the person later, in-real-life, and she asked me that same question, "Do you really feel that way about me?"

Of course it wasn't just a joke, right? It was an expression of a feeling I was having at one moment, based on the understanding that only certain people (people who understood how I felt, and agreed with me) were reading it. It was me saying something mean that I would never, never have said to her face.

I've seen a lot of this lately; this vitriol thrown about so that nobody can ignore it. It's as if we're going to work or school or bars or restaurants wearing our political parties on neon green t-shirts or tattooed to our foreheads. It feels like a very quiet act, when I like or share a post. But I know that to the person reading it the message has the volume turned all the way up. 

----

I wish I could go back in time and take back every re-tweet, share, like or comment on political stories in social media. But I can't undo what's been done.

What I can do is choose to try to have empathy for her. I'd rather assume she's just quietly saying "Hey, I like this". That maybe, just maybe, she didn't mean to shout at me.

Janet

Errors in conversation - knowing failure when I see it

I'm not the greatest at live conversation. When people complain, when I hear people tell me all about the horrible things in their lives, I become a problem solver. Instead of building up empathy and connecting with their feelings I try to fix their issues. I do this over and over again, but recently I had an experience that was a little different.

-------

A few weeks ago, I was visiting my friend Gina while she had some other people over. Another friend, Sara, was in the kitchen telling a group of us all about her husband who was sick. As she spoke, her head dropped lower and lower. She seemed to be using that tone of voice I've heard when people are trying not to cry; a little choked up, overly high-pitched and false-happy sounding. She was sad, but she did seem to be getting some relief by opening up to both of us about the many fun times her and her husband had together, before the illness. She moved on, describing the very limited life they lived now; they were only travelling short distances, they hadn't seen certain close friends in many years, and they had to carry their medical equipment everywhere they went.

As Sara went on, Gina commented, "Wow, so there's nothing that can be done? Have they tried all the medicines? What about surgery, have they tried that? Which hospital did she go to?" Etc. I was noticing that Gina was doing exactly what I've done so many times - she was trying to fix her problem.

As Gina continued her medical analysis, I realized I was seeing the entire discussion as a spectator, it was like watching a play open up before me. Sara's face had gone blank, and she was numbly answering Gina's questions one after the other. It was clear to me from Sara's reaction to Gina that the 'let's fix you' language was so very wrong; because I could see Sara dropping out of the conversation. She had stopped making eye contact with any of us, and she acted like she wanted to leave the room as soon as she could.

Since I was seeing it a bit detached, I was able to react differently than I've done before. I said, "I can't imagine what that's like for you, how have you been holding up?" I gave her one of my favorite facial expressions - the Curious/Sad face. I use it on my kids sometimes when they are crying but I have no idea why.

It seemed to work - she snapped out of the blank stare, and reacted calmly. She felt her feelings and then moved on, and we were able to move on.

It was clear to me that Sara wasn't asking us to, "Please fix my husband's problem." She was expressing her feelings, saying, "I'm sad, and I want you to tell me that you hear my sadness."

What do you do if someone is complaining to you? How would you have reacted to Sara, or to Gina?

Janet

Empathy - moments in friendship

I have found that since starting this process that my experiences are not the large, life changing experiences I had at the beginning. Instead I've found that by reviewing my days I can find little moments of empathy where I try to make the best choices I can.

Empathy Moment - secrets and friends

I've got a few people in my life who I'm not close to, but I would like to be close to. I'm doing my best to build a friendship with each of them and empathy often plays a role.

This week one of these want-to-be-friends of mine revealed something about himself that I didn't previously know. It was a secret - and a big one. Something he'd been hiding from me intentionally.

At first, I reacted with feelings. Feelings of betrayal (how could you NOT tell ME FIRST!!!) feelings of low self-worth (don't you LIKE ME?!?). Etcetera, all of the normal stuff that arises before I have a chance to think about it.

Then I tried to put myself in their place. I remembered what I knew about this person. He calls himself  'closed off' and 'restrained'. He keeps his thoughts and feelings close and rarely lets people in.

Thinking about this reminded me of the way I used to feel about wearing clothes. I used to think that if I dressed in loose clothing, nobody would judge me for how my body looked. If they couldn't see it, I reasoned, they couldn't judge it. Lately I've realized that people will judge me based on exactly what they see, on exactly what I show them. If I show them baggy, hiding clothes then maybe they will judge me as a person who had something to hide.

Although I've made the conscious choice to be more open than I've ever been, I do remember what it felt like to hide behind baggy tee-shirts. It felt safe, and it felt like I wasn't going to be judged.

So I choose not to judge him for his choices. I left myself with the space to be there for him, and to step away from my selfishness. 

And I hope we can be closer in the future.

Are you more open, or closed? Who are you drawn to being friends with?

Janet