Using empathy is like riding a bicycle

I can ride a bicycle, although it's been many years since I've actually done so. Let's say I'm walking through the park and I see a bicycle lying abandoned on the ground. What are my choices?

I could start by not noticing the bike at all, because I'm thinking about something else.  I could see the bike, pick it up and zip away. Or maybe I'll see it but I won't pick it up; I could hesitate because I'm scared that I'll fall and get hurt. Maybe I'm feeling tired and don't want to ride just then. Or maybe I'll want to be mean; I'll think about pushing it into a lake, or putting holes in the tires. All of these are choices I can make with that bike - to ride it, to ignore it, to break it. Having the skill to ride has given me more options, but doesn't stop me from doing those other things. I have to make a choice.

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I lead an isolated life. I live and work at home, and don't get out much. So when I finally do get out and see people, I slip easily into judging them. I haven't practiced, so again and again I see the bicycle (of empathy) and I choose to not ride it.

Today, for instance, I see a group of women sitting at a table. I overhear them talking and think, "Look at those women over there, wearing pink jumpsuits, talking about how droopy their flesh on their arms looks and reminiscing about old episodes of Blossom. They look like they are having fun, but why do they have to play into those stereotypes of women? Those women are horrible."

Then I remember that I'm the person who wants to try to connect with everyone. I'm trying to understand everyone's point of view. So I think; what if I was sitting with them? Would I be joining their conversation? If we were friends, would I be sneering at them? Probably not. I'd probably be smiling and laughing, just like the others. I'd join in and ask, "How did we ever think Joey was cute (whoa!)."

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Instead of "Growing Empathy" maybe a better name for this blog would have been, "How I try to use and grow my own capacity to empathize with others, and make the effort to use it as often as possible." Although, that would have been a bit long for a Google search. :)

I still believe that empathy is an emotional investment that we can choose to make. I want to learn to have empathy, but also to choose to use it as often as possible, and not to fall so easily into the trap of judgement.

It's time to go ride a bike. Want to join me?

Janet

Empathy - moments in friendship

I have found that since starting this process that my experiences are not the large, life changing experiences I had at the beginning. Instead I've found that by reviewing my days I can find little moments of empathy where I try to make the best choices I can.

Empathy Moment - secrets and friends

I've got a few people in my life who I'm not close to, but I would like to be close to. I'm doing my best to build a friendship with each of them and empathy often plays a role.

This week one of these want-to-be-friends of mine revealed something about himself that I didn't previously know. It was a secret - and a big one. Something he'd been hiding from me intentionally.

At first, I reacted with feelings. Feelings of betrayal (how could you NOT tell ME FIRST!!!) feelings of low self-worth (don't you LIKE ME?!?). Etcetera, all of the normal stuff that arises before I have a chance to think about it.

Then I tried to put myself in their place. I remembered what I knew about this person. He calls himself  'closed off' and 'restrained'. He keeps his thoughts and feelings close and rarely lets people in.

Thinking about this reminded me of the way I used to feel about wearing clothes. I used to think that if I dressed in loose clothing, nobody would judge me for how my body looked. If they couldn't see it, I reasoned, they couldn't judge it. Lately I've realized that people will judge me based on exactly what they see, on exactly what I show them. If I show them baggy, hiding clothes then maybe they will judge me as a person who had something to hide.

Although I've made the conscious choice to be more open than I've ever been, I do remember what it felt like to hide behind baggy tee-shirts. It felt safe, and it felt like I wasn't going to be judged.

So I choose not to judge him for his choices. I left myself with the space to be there for him, and to step away from my selfishness. 

And I hope we can be closer in the future.

Are you more open, or closed? Who are you drawn to being friends with?

Janet

Everyone is Awesome and I Shouldn't Judge Them

Back in January, I wrote this post about building empathy with people. I talked about how keeping a mantra in mind, such as 'I love you, man' really made it easier to care about other people. This worked particularly well for strangers I just met, people I didn't know at all.

Earlier this week I had another thought that I think builds on this idea. If I love someone, a friend or a relative for example, I wouldn't judge them based on their appearance. If they looked good, I was happy for them. I've noticed that sometimes, when I see another person who's appearance is different from mine, I confess I've had thoughts of either judgement or jealousy. Instead of looking past what I was seeing (which is what I would do if I truly loved them, as a friend or a relative) I would be focusing on it.

This never happens with friends or relatives; just with people I don't know. People walking down the street or strangers at a party. For friends or relatives, I don't immediately judge them. I simply note it and move on, because I love them.

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Of course, now that I see the behavior I'm trying to fix it. For the last week I've been consciously attempting to not judge people I don't know based on their appearance. I'm using two different 'tools' to accomplish this.

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Tool #1 - Simpler; I don't talk about what a person is wearing.

When meeting a stranger, the way a person looks can tell you a lot about them. I'm looking at what they wear, their weight, their skin color, their apparent gender, their clothing appearance (shabby or pressed), their jewelry. I look. In the past, I have even used what a person is wearing to open up a conversation with "Oh, what a lovely necklace". I'm consciously trying to stop all of that by opening up every conversation with something NOT related to their looks.

It's hard but it seems to be working - it helps me to focus on what the person introducing us is saying like, "oh, have you met Bob, he's my friend from Georgia." or "Hi I'm Pamela I'm here with Manny from the city." By staying focused on them as a person and not on what they are wearing (good or bad), I can distract myself from looking at and therefore thinking about their appearance.

Here's a great article I read recently on an example of this, talking about approaching little girls and NOT immediately complimenting them on how cute they are.

Tool #2 - Focus on how amazing the person is.

Everyone, all people in this world (no matter how fantastic their life is) are facing some kind of challenge in their lives. We all hurt. Also, we all are reminded regularly how much pain and suffering there is in this world. I find it amazing that each day we can put that all aside and live, and survive, and even thrive. I look at everyone and think that we are all just awesome people for managing this crazy thing we call life. We are all finding ways to meet challenges - from the horrors of war to the challenges of just getting out of bed in the morning.

You are amazing. Yes you, the person reading this blog post. You are awesome!

Just for you being you - it's TIME TO DANCE!!!

Getting along - Empathy with Differences

The other day I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw that one of my friends had posted a message saying she was anti-[Whatever]. I say anti-[Whatever] so you can insert here whatever kind of hot-button topic you want, Abortion/Pro-life, Homosexual rights, Israel-Palestine conflict. Whatever pushes your buttons.

This presented me with a problem. I was pretty upset by what she had said, and here's a summary of my thoughts:

"Oh, my gosh she believes THAT!?

"I don't want to see that kind of thing. Maybe I should block the website it came from."

"Maybe she's so different from me, she's so far on the 'other side' that I should not be her friend anymore. We aren't close, I only met her once at a party. I haven't put anything into this relationship. I can drop her and nobody I know will care."

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At the same time, I know that one thing I'm trying to change about myself with this empathy practice is to open myself up to people. Yes, I might get hurt, but that doesn't change what I should do. I needed to know why she was doing this, at the same time I needed to let her know that what she was doing was hurtful.

So I decided to message her privately.

I let her know how upset I was by her post. I pointed out a few issues with her position, but primarily I let her know that if she kept posting things like this I will have to block her posts. I asked her to give me more information about her statement, and why she felt it necessary to share this one-liner with all of her friends on Facebook.

I was angry, but I didn't want to let that get in the way of communication. We had some back and forth, her stating her position (quite strongly) and me trying to understand her position. In the end, what I realized is that I was not trying to argue with her. 

I didn't want to fight over who was right, and who was wrong. I did, and do, truly believe that she has every right to her position. However I did want to let her know that I had a lot of trouble with her post on Facebook for two reasons. One, it seemed to miss any and all of the subtleties of her as a person and her position as a whole. I believe that a one-liner saying what ‘side’ you are on stands in the way of discussion. It's like (to me) that she was choosing which sports team to root for. Anyone rooting for the other side immediately would become grouped as 'the enemy'. Was she trying to invite debate? Was she hoping to convince her friends and family? I wondered, and asked her, how many of her other friends she's pushed away through these types of posts.

Another reason that I told her for why I had trouble with this type of blanket one-liner statement is that it encourages others to feel good about hating [Whatevers]. These are not the type of statements that encourages peace, love and understanding. 

Here's a great way to get along with others. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Here's a video talking about a fun way to do that, from SoulPancake, called "Take a seat, make a friend".

Have you had this happen to you? What did you do?

Janet