Rushing to judgements - update

In my previous post about rushing to judgments, I said that I was going to try to stop being judgmental. I've been trying, and failing, and trying again. I was trying this:

I'm doing it by focusing on a person's eyes and facial expressions before I do anything else. I have been trying to avoid looking at what people are wearing or how their bodies look, and to try to see them as people first.

So, that's not working. :(

I think it's not working because judging is a strong habit. For instance, I was at a playground this weekend and there were other parents around. I caught myself several times making up stories about them; this one was a cab driver, that one was an ex-punk rocker, this one was taking zumba classes. Ugh. Each time I realized what I was doing I stopped myself. But it was very discouraging.

The 'eye contact' thing isn't working for, I think, several reasons. First I think people are uncomfortable making eye contact in non-social situations like elevators or train stations. Also, some people see me making eye contact and they expect a conversation. I seem to be scaring people.

For now, I'm  trying to simply be aware of when I'm doing it. Hopefully this will give me the practice I need to stop judging, and open up to the possibility of empathy.

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A recent trip to New York City reminded me something about my habits. See, growing up there I learned the habit of looking down. Looking up, or looking around, was something I believed that only tourists did. Well now here I am, not as a tourist, but not looking down. I broke the habit, and now I look all around.

On the subway, I wasn't looking where I was going (yes, I wasn't looking down) and I bumped someone, hard. I turned and apologized, and she gave me a look. The look was, "uh, why are you apologizing?" which just shows how long I've been NOT a city-dweller. Yet another New York City habit broken. I don't assume that it's all-right to bump into people.

If I can break habits here, I can break them anywhere. :)

Have you ever broken a habit? Tell us about it.

Empathy Pitfall - rushing to judgements

I've been thinking a lot this week about how I judge people. Based on what someone is wearing and their overall appearance I will quickly put them into a group; such as class or ethnicity/race. Based on their actions and the location I'm in, I may make other judgments (for example, if I am walking down a street alone at night, I'll be fearful of anyone walking close by).

When someone says 'you are so judgmental' I believe they are saying 'you are making decisions about who I am before really getting to know me'. So in that sense, I believe that judging a person can be an opposition to empathy.

I don't usually consider myself a judgmental person. However, I am trying to build up my empathy. So recently, when I read this article, it got me thinking about my own rushes to judgment. The story is about a woman who did a series of self-portraits, which captured people judging her based on her appearance. What I found most striking about the article was how it seemed to be so easy for her to find images that contained these judging looks from strangers. Was I like them, so quick to judge? Was I giving strange looks to strangers?

There was another interesting story from 2012 about a woman who had been ridiculed for her weight online. She was a video blogger, so she, of course, made an excellent video response to her critics. One thing that she said in her response stood out to me - that when you see a person, remember, you don't know where they are in their journey. I think this can be applied for any of my judgmental behavior.

So I've resolved to try to break this habit of judgement. To see the person and not their appearance.

I'm doing it by focusing on a person's eyes and facial expressions before I do anything else. I have been trying to avoid looking at what people are wearing or how their bodies look, and to try to see them as people first.

It's hard.

Judging seems to be the path to fear, and it's much easier for me to feel fear by pushing people away rather than bringing them closer. This is part of my own journey, what I'm trying to do.

Thanks for listening. Please add your comments below (anonymous comments welcome).

Janet