From closed to open

Sometimes I get asked the question, "Why are you focusing on empathy, and building up connections with other people?" I used to be a self-reliant person, and I rarely wanted to reach out. "So what's the difference now?"

I talk to them about when I saw this video about empathy and outrospection. I connected with his message, partially because I remember a time many years ago when I followed the self-help movement.

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In my twenties, I was not happy. I didn't like my job. It was fun and inspiring (which was great!) but it was also part time, didn't pay well and had no future prospects (not so great). I felt scared; I wanted things to change but was afraid of making bad decisions. I didn't want to admit I had failed. I thought, "Let me try reading a 'self-help' book, then if I made a mistake, I can figure it out without telling anyone."

All of the books I read (and I read a few) seemed to be saying the same thing; they all told me to look inward, and find my center. I was to look inside myself and see my true nature - only then would I learn to follow my heart. According to these book authors, I was a golden star of shining light, and if I nurtured my soul I would be able to polish that star to a gleaming glow, and to find what I needed inside myself. Now in my forties I look back and think, what a load of crap. :)

Not that I'm not a golden star of shining light, or anything, but if I had the solution inside myself I would have done it already. I wasn't lost. I was just unhappy and full of fear of making the wrong choice.

It took me several years of working at that job and reading those books and looking inside myself before I realized I wasn't getting anywhere. It was a growing moment for me; I stopped looking in and instead reached out, to talk about my concerns and share my feelings. I remember I was so embarrassed, and scared, I could hardly get the words out (cough, cough, hack!). I couldn't look my friends in the eye but I did talk, and they listened to me. They made me feel safe, and made me realize it was okay to move forward. Only after that day was I able to be done with the dead-end job and move on.

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Now I look back and think again about all that time of (to me) useless introspection. Once I was able to open myself up and be vulnerable with the people in my life who cared about me, that's when I was able to make a choice. Those friends listened to me, and they were what I needed to get me through.

Now I'm definitely more open of a person. I believe that all this empathy growing and connection building has made a difference. It's still not comfortable to share but it does come more easily. 

I'm just not so scared anymore. I don't feel alone; instead, I look out at the world every day and think, "Look at all these amazing people living their lives. I can talk to them, find out how they do it, and then maybe by hearing their stories I'll learn how to be an amazing person living a good life, too.'

Has empathy and connection-building helped you?

Janet

Getting along - Empathy with Differences

The other day I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw that one of my friends had posted a message saying she was anti-[Whatever]. I say anti-[Whatever] so you can insert here whatever kind of hot-button topic you want, Abortion/Pro-life, Homosexual rights, Israel-Palestine conflict. Whatever pushes your buttons.

This presented me with a problem. I was pretty upset by what she had said, and here's a summary of my thoughts:

"Oh, my gosh she believes THAT!?

"I don't want to see that kind of thing. Maybe I should block the website it came from."

"Maybe she's so different from me, she's so far on the 'other side' that I should not be her friend anymore. We aren't close, I only met her once at a party. I haven't put anything into this relationship. I can drop her and nobody I know will care."

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At the same time, I know that one thing I'm trying to change about myself with this empathy practice is to open myself up to people. Yes, I might get hurt, but that doesn't change what I should do. I needed to know why she was doing this, at the same time I needed to let her know that what she was doing was hurtful.

So I decided to message her privately.

I let her know how upset I was by her post. I pointed out a few issues with her position, but primarily I let her know that if she kept posting things like this I will have to block her posts. I asked her to give me more information about her statement, and why she felt it necessary to share this one-liner with all of her friends on Facebook.

I was angry, but I didn't want to let that get in the way of communication. We had some back and forth, her stating her position (quite strongly) and me trying to understand her position. In the end, what I realized is that I was not trying to argue with her. 

I didn't want to fight over who was right, and who was wrong. I did, and do, truly believe that she has every right to her position. However I did want to let her know that I had a lot of trouble with her post on Facebook for two reasons. One, it seemed to miss any and all of the subtleties of her as a person and her position as a whole. I believe that a one-liner saying what ‘side’ you are on stands in the way of discussion. It's like (to me) that she was choosing which sports team to root for. Anyone rooting for the other side immediately would become grouped as 'the enemy'. Was she trying to invite debate? Was she hoping to convince her friends and family? I wondered, and asked her, how many of her other friends she's pushed away through these types of posts.

Another reason that I told her for why I had trouble with this type of blanket one-liner statement is that it encourages others to feel good about hating [Whatevers]. These are not the type of statements that encourages peace, love and understanding. 

Here's a great way to get along with others. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Here's a video talking about a fun way to do that, from SoulPancake, called "Take a seat, make a friend".

Have you had this happen to you? What did you do?

Janet

Gratitude for this Empathy Practice

I am so grateful for the opportunity to practice empathy in this way.

Sometimes it's a lot of work, sometimes I don't feel like it, but when I do it the rewards just keep coming.

Every time I push myself to listen with empathy to family and friends, my relationships become stronger. Every time that I push myself to say "how are you" to strangers, look them in the eye and MEAN IT, their minute interactions with me stay with me all day and for days afterwards.

There was a man with dark skin and a deep smile, who shared his joy at getting his palm leaves yesterday.
There was a young waitress, who shared her feelings about a expected late night at work, and the pluses (tips) and minuses (missing time with friends).
There was the hardworking sales representative I met on an airplane, who shared her memory of teasing about her uncommon name (Cassandra).

All these people stay with me, and my life is so much richer for them.

One of the reasons I write each week is to make connections to all of you. I do more work, but I feel like I know more about the lives of the people around me. And it truly brings me joy.

Have you connected with someone recently?

Janet

Empathy and Conflict

I'm in the middle of reading a fascinating book, "Getting to Yes". It's all about learning the best ways to negotiate to agreement.

What strikes me reading this book is how much impact negotiation has on our everyday lives. For instance, if I learn how to negotiate better with my family I can have a happier life. If I learn how to negotiate better with my workmates I can have a more relaxed workplace existence.

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As a kid, I loved to argue with my family. I loved to get into a heated debate, with each side fighting for their points. I firmly believed I was right all the time (of course, ha ha) and therefore it was in my best interests to present my points vehemently. I thought if I was just willful enough, they would see my point of view.

When I tried to do this with strangers or co-workers, I was met with anger. Presenting my position seemed to be the quickest way to tick people off. For example, if someone asked me the question, "Why are you a vegetarian" my response would be to present my position:

- what reasons I used when I chose a vegetarian lifestyle
- what things I saw (and continued to see) that encouraged me to choose this lifestyle
- the benefits of this choice that I saw (and continued to see) for myself

This kind of stuff would really get people angry. They would fight and argue with me, as if what I had said to them was an attack. They would yell, or otherwise express anger, and try to tell me what I was doing was wrong. I have always had a hard time understanding why people would react this way.
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This book I'm reading about the ways to negotiate has made me see these interactions differently. If a person is starting a conversation by stating a position, according to the book, this person's comments can be interpreted as a personal attack or an attack on ideas. It is (as a result) natural for a person to respond to an 'attack' with a defensive posture, and to get angry. Not that everyone responds this way! But many people do.

What does all this have to do with empathy? Well one of the ways that the book talks about approaching a possible conflict is to have empathy for the other person. To start by trying to see things from their point of view, to put yourself in their shoes. Here's how I would redo the above 'vegetarian' conversation with empathy and with the ideas in this book:

Q: "Why are you a vegetarian?"

A: "That's an interesting question, I get that quite a lot. I'm wondering what is driving your question, can you tell me more about your understanding of vegetarianism?"

What are your hot-button topics, what ideas have you tried to present that have set people 'off''?


P.S. I've been asked recently 'how's Lucy' and I would just like to say that she's handled the winter just great. The ground is getting soft and her claws are getting muddy, but she seems to love being outside on these early spring days.

Janet

Empathy Pitfall - rushing to judgements

I've been thinking a lot this week about how I judge people. Based on what someone is wearing and their overall appearance I will quickly put them into a group; such as class or ethnicity/race. Based on their actions and the location I'm in, I may make other judgments (for example, if I am walking down a street alone at night, I'll be fearful of anyone walking close by).

When someone says 'you are so judgmental' I believe they are saying 'you are making decisions about who I am before really getting to know me'. So in that sense, I believe that judging a person can be an opposition to empathy.

I don't usually consider myself a judgmental person. However, I am trying to build up my empathy. So recently, when I read this article, it got me thinking about my own rushes to judgment. The story is about a woman who did a series of self-portraits, which captured people judging her based on her appearance. What I found most striking about the article was how it seemed to be so easy for her to find images that contained these judging looks from strangers. Was I like them, so quick to judge? Was I giving strange looks to strangers?

There was another interesting story from 2012 about a woman who had been ridiculed for her weight online. She was a video blogger, so she, of course, made an excellent video response to her critics. One thing that she said in her response stood out to me - that when you see a person, remember, you don't know where they are in their journey. I think this can be applied for any of my judgmental behavior.

So I've resolved to try to break this habit of judgement. To see the person and not their appearance.

I'm doing it by focusing on a person's eyes and facial expressions before I do anything else. I have been trying to avoid looking at what people are wearing or how their bodies look, and to try to see them as people first.

It's hard.

Judging seems to be the path to fear, and it's much easier for me to feel fear by pushing people away rather than bringing them closer. This is part of my own journey, what I'm trying to do.

Thanks for listening. Please add your comments below (anonymous comments welcome).

Janet

Listening to the Other Side

I had a conversation the other day with a man who had a different opinion than I did on a hot-topic issue. The issue isn't important, it could have been gun control, or abortion, or whatever. What is important is that he was an intelligent, reasonable man with, as far as I can see, a full capacity for learning and understanding. Yet, he had come to a completely different conclusion about the 'right' way to do things. I found myself thinking, "I'm going to empathize with him, I'm going to try to see things his way." I truly listened to him and have not been able to stop thinking about him since.

After listening to this one man, I've seen both sides of the argument. I don't think this happens very often, in fact, so often I hear people arguing for 'their side' without ever really listening.

I see people putting up their side of this issue (for or against) in magazine articles or on the internet. Most of them, to me, are simply saying 'MY SIDE IS RIGHT AND YOUR SIDE IS WRONG'. This doesn't feel to me like it will bring us to a good conclusion. These statements don't encourage empathy. Instead, when I read those statements I feel that it puts a wall up between 'us' and 'them'. I see it as the exact opposite of building empathy. Here's an example of some of these kinds of statements:

I believe that the way to come together and truly listen to those we see as opposite (liberals and conservatives, meat eaters and vegans, religious and nonreligious) is for us to have empathy for the other person. I used to think that what was important was to give people the facts, or to listen to another person's facts. If we all knew all the facts, I reasoned, we would all come to the same conclusion. Now I realize that I was making the mistake of seeing people only for the conclusions they have reached and the facts they have at hand. Or I was only seeing their level of intelligence (if they don't get what I'm talking about it's because they aren't smart enough). I wasn't always thinking about their feelings, or trying to see the emotions they used when making their decisions. I don't think I was really listening to them the way that I should have.

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In this country (the U.S.) we currently have certain rights under law. I believe that there is fear now, real fear on the part of some U.S. citizens that their rights will be taken away.

When I think about this man and his feelings, I remember his fear. It reminds me of the real fear I get inside when I think about someone taking away my rights, or the rights of women in general. The fear expressed by the gentleman I spoke to feels the same, to me, as my fears.

As Mark Ruffalo and Murray so eloquently put it, empathy is feeling what someone else is feeling.

Have you been able to 'see' someone else's side in a discussion, someone you thought you would never agree with?

Today's empathy, both the good and the bad

Today I tipped the gas station attendant who filled my car's tank. I gave him $2, he gave me a smile and a thank you. I'm not normally a tipper so this was unusual for me.

I wasn't thinking about doing it beforehand, again, this is an example of going with my gut feelings at the moment. I started with the thought,'it's really cold out there' and the next thought was 'this guy's job sucks, he's out in this horrible weather' and then 'i'd like to buy him a cup of coffee' led to pulling out my wallet to give him the tip.
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Later in the day, a coworker was sharing her troubles and I fell into trap #1 (comparing her problems with other people's) and trap #3 (trying to solve her problem) immediately. (Link to the traps article) I tried to come back to her later with an 'I'm sorry, that really sucks' comment but honestly I really think it was too little too late. It's hard to catch these things before they happen, but I'm going to keep trying.

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What I see from the above stories (and something I've noticed about myself in general) is that how easy I have empathy to others seems to be related to how well I know them. That is, if I don't have a relationship with the person to RISK, it's easier for me to put myself out there. However, if I do have a relationship with them, well, then I'm scared, my defenses come up, and I shut down empathy.

What about you? Have you tried to build empathy, what has been your experience?
Do you tip frequently?

Janet

Airport Empathy

I'm writing this post at 5:30am in Detroit, MI.

I came here last night on business, and after saying farewell to my family and talking nonstop politics to the nice taxi driver, I was finally at the airport and waiting for my flight to leave. We were delayed at least two hours so I ate some dinner and grabbed some edamame to go from the Sushi bar.

I sat in between a young early-20s woman with long, red hair and a mid-30s age Indian woman and her daughter. The girl looked to be about four or five, and was bouncing in her seat. She reminded me of my eldest daughter at that age, just idly singing to herself, in a language I didn't understand.

Halfway through my edamame snack, the young woman and I struck up a conversation. I tried to listen to her openly and with intent, focusing on empathy and my 'I love you man' internal speech, which worked out pretty good. In fact, it worked so well that she asked for my email address so we could keep in touch, which was SO UNUSUAL for me. Me, making friends at airports! :) I wonder if she'll write?

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After a while of waiting we were told that our plane had arrived, but they had to clean it before we could board. I was still talking to the young woman when I heard the little girl next to me, starting to get a bit loud. She had progressed to jumping on the heating unit, near the window, and was shouting. The mom was starting to look a little bit annoyed. I should mention that at one point earlier in my little airport adventure, the little girl had climbed under the seat to retrieve a toy, and had kicked me. The mom looked at me and said "sorry" and I said "not a problem, I have two at home, totally understand" and smiled.

The little girl got a bit louder. She had pulled her mom's luggage off of the chair and dragged it over to the waiting area by the plane. Even louder now, saying the same phrase over and over (which I assume meant 'come on' or 'please' or 'mama' or something to that nature). She was nearly screaming it now, and I found myself pulled into looking at her. All I could think of was that this mom, this poor mom, she had been through so much already, taking care of her kid through airport security, through baggage maybe, then through the terminal, and then through waiting and keeping her entertained for hours and hours. So I interrupted my discussion with the young woman saying, "I'm sorry, but I feel so much for this mom, I have to do something" and ran through the terminal. I ran because I was worried about missing the boarding, as we were going to get on at any minute. (Just to make it clear how loud this girl was getting, I could still hear her as I ran through the terminal).I just kept thinking that this Mom was probably tired and done and just out of ideas for how to calm her daughter. I ran to the little candy/bookstore, scanned the shelves, and bought the first coloring book with markers I saw. It's not much, I thought, but maybe it will be a 'new toy' for a short while and give the Mom the break she (to my mind) so desperately needed.

I ran back with the book and thought, "how am I going to approach her, she's a stranger, really" but I ran right up to her. The little girl was still screaming and shouting and crying, jumping up and down, and the mom was just hanging on to her and keeping her from running off. I walked up to her and said, "Excuse me, I just would like to tell you that I know how you feel, I've been where you are, and if this will help you at all..." holding out the book. The little girl - stopped crying - and after a brief moment of hesitation - was soon coloring and sitting down and the mom looked 1 million times relieved. At first the mom had tried to make an excuse for the girl, "she's just tired, she really wants to get on the plane' but then just said, "um, yes, okay" to the book. I wasn't sure why she was trying to explain, at first, and I could tell she wasn't sure about getting something from a stranger, but when the mom accepted the book, she (and all of us at the terminal) seemed much happier for it.

At the time it wasn't the logical thing to do, it was the emotional thing. I was just going with my feelings for the mom, and acting on those feelings.

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A few people at the terminal stopped me on my way to the plane (we were boarding now) and commented, "That was a wonderful thing you did". I felt good getting their comments, but not as good as seeing the look of peace and gratefulness on this mom's face as we boarded the plane. Another person said to me that a few moments before (perhaps while I was off  buying the book, since I didn't see this) an old man had come up to the mom and said loudly, "We don't need to hear your child crying. Quiet her down." I was horrified to hear this - although not surprised - but now I understood why she was trying to 'explain' herself to me. She thought I was coming up to scold her, too. Not true!

Finally, as I was getting on the plane, the airline bumped me up to a bigger seat free of charge. I didn't ask - they just did it. Paying it forward, I suppose.

Thanks for listening and please add your stories and thoughts!

:)

Building Empathy

I do not empathize with people easily, and I wonder if that is related to my long history of not making friends easily. I am able to empathize very easily with animals. As a result I became a vegetarian about ten years ago.

I do believe that one way to get closer to others is to share yourself, and I have come to accept who I am as a person and feel comfortable sharing myself (hence, this blog). However, I also think that telling my stories isn' t enough. People have to want to share with me.

I've met other people who are magnets for friends, who receive the openness of others regularly. They seem to (from my outsider's perspective) make friends easily. They draw people to their side. What I've observed is that these people seem to genuinely CARE about the people that they meet.

For example, a friend of mine's mother is one of these magnetic types. When I first met her, and evey visit since, she' s convinced me that I' m her long lost daughter. She exudes love, I think, and as a result I can' t help but love her back.

As was once said, all you need is love.

So I tried it. I tried simply walking through my day and ' loving' people. Call it a mantra, but in the last 48 hours whenever I' ve met a stranger I' ve thought to myself, 'I love you'.

My result?

It' s been some really rewarding hours. I talked to storekeepers, to fellow moms at the exercise studio, and others, and really felt good listening to them. The storekeeper told me all about the first time she tried a squash soup at a local restaurant, and I felt like I had a few sips of it myself. The other mom told me all about her marriage and home life, and I felt like I was in her home with her. Just keeping them positively in mind made me listen harder and connect with them more easily.

Most interestingly, it made them want to tell me their stories. Perhaps they could tell I wanted to listen.

Hey, I love you man.

Peace out.

Cognitive Empathy

According to the video that inspired this blog, cognitive empathy is looking at others and seeing through their eyes. Seeing their "world view, their beliefs, their fears, the experiences that shape how they look at the world and how they look at themselves. "

The Wikipedia page has a few other definitions.

I'm adding my voice to the internet in an effort to view the world through others' eyes. I share with you in the hope that you will share with me, and let me see things as you do.

When I was in grade school a sparrow was hurt in our playground, and some kids were standing around it in a circle. My memory of the day is a bit hazy but I don't think they were teasing it, just not sure what to do with it. I picked it up and, with the help of a teacher, nursed the bird to health. I remember carrying it in a box with a sweater. I remember getting it water to drink. I remember people telling me that it was okay to touch the bird because it wasn't dirty, like a pigeon. I remember it was so light and fragile, and yet, so calm.

I wasn't there the day that my teacher released it. She told me later that the bird flew away quickly, and seemed happy to go.

Often times when I think about the feelings I have about animals I think about that bird, and that day. I definitely felt something toward the bird, but if it wasn't for the help of others and their understanding of why I wanted to help the bird, I wouldn't have been able to do anything to make an impact on it's life.

That's kind of how I think of this blog. The more I know about you, the more easily I can understand and support your decisions, and maybe the more lives I can touch.

Come share the discussion here through the comments, or join us on facebook.