Is this a party, or is it a group of people ignoring each other?

I believe that we all crave connection. I've had some great conversations since starting this journey and I believe it's possible to have real connections every day. I still struggle with how to make it happen.

Let's take an example - a kid's birthday party. Just a group of kids and parents getting together over good food and a nice day; it could have been a social event, instead it turned out to be a total dud.

-------

I was there for my daughter, but I knew I might be seeing some other adults and we might have real adult conversations, so I was looking forward to it. It was a beautiful day, the kind where you turn your face to the sun just to feel the warmth.

I arrived at the same time as a bunch of the other parents, put on my smiley-face and shook hands. Hi, nice to meet you, oh, which kid is yours? Oh, right, that one. Uh-huh.

The food was laid out and the kids got to serious playtime. The grown-ups? We just stood around. Ignoring each other. Picking at the guacamole. Sure, there was a little small talk like, "Oh, is that the cheese platter?" and "Is this imported spam?" but not a lot in the way of of real 'getting to know you' conversation.

I walked up to one of the other moms and opened with some simple 'how are you' questions, and commenting on the nice day. Real easy stuff, I thought, but she didn't respond. I thought, "Okay, maybe she's just not in the mood to talk." So I tried again, with one of the grandparents. I asked her "What do you do?' and she glared at me. "Well, I'm in the middle of a big project at work right now....". She told me about her job, but she didn't sound like she liked her job, it was more like, 'well, I have to do SOMETHING so here's what I do..' .

I realized later that by asking her about work I completely fell into one of my known conversation traps. I should never, ever ask what someone does for their job. If they like what they do, they'll bring it up and talk about it without any prompting from me. If they don't it's a conversation killer.

-------

Later that same weekend I was listening to Car Talk on the radio. These guys are funny, and part of their radio personality is to quickly start conversations with people they don't know. Their method is to learn where someone is from, and then ask, "What do you do for fun on a Saturday in (town name)?"

So I decided to try it. The next day, we ran into a family from that same party, having lunch. My husband and I joined them, and I started right in with the Car Talk question, "So, where are you from again? And what do you do for fun on a Saturday afternoon in your town?"

It was amazing! They opened up right away and got very excited to talk about their town, restaurants, playgrounds, life. They were immediately comfortable and chatty. We moved from 'awkward' to 'casual friends hanging out' in a span of 3 minutes.

-------

What I want is for people to talk about things that make them happy, so I can get to know them and how incredible they all are. I think this works because for most people I meet, where they live makes them happy. They have chosen to live where they do. They feel good about it, so they have lots of things to talk about. If they don't like where they live, this is an opener for them to say what they do on a weekend somewhere else. It's an open question with lots of possible answers.

------

So - what do you do for fun on a Saturday afternoon, in your town? :)

Janet

Benefits to being open and vulnerable - I like myself even more this way

Today I was struck by the clear difference between the old-me and the new-me. The old-me avoided strangers - I used to think it wasn't important. It was unnecessary, a hassle, a bother. It wasn't fun and I could be putting myself at risk. It was scary.

I'd walk into a room full of people and run to the empty corner, sitting quietly and sorting through my purse or reading a magazine. 

The new me does things a lot differently.

-----

Last weekend I walked into a doctor's waiting room. I was there to get a test done, and was in kind of a bad mood because I was anticipating an uncomfortable test (the kind where they poke and prod at you until the answers come out).

Walking into the waiting room I perked up, realizing that here was another chance for me to meet someone new and hear how they are living their amazing life. So I scoped out the room and spotted a young couple with a sleeping baby, and an older man dressed shabbily and reading a magazine. I chose the man because I understand that when entering a social arena people in sets of two usually don't like to be interrupted, but people alone are more approachable.

I chose well because he was in the mood to TALK. :)

Among all of the things he shared with me (his life, his kids, his grand-kids) he told me he was going in for a knee operation soon. "Really", I said, "I know some people who went through that recently. They told me that the operation was the best thing that ever happened to them, but that the rehab was challenging." (I found myself connecting with him and thinking about his feelings.) He was worried that they would botch the operation, but was really looking forward to having a new knee. He had been in the military (apparently that's where his knee was damaged) and said that he felt confident he could handle the rehab.

But then, he took the conversation to politics.

He said he wasn't happy about our recent health care reform laws. I could tell he was looking for me to nod my head and say "yeah, I agree." but I couldn't agree with him. "Here's where the rubber hits the road", I thought, "where who I am as a person may be different from what he expects, and he'll get mad or just stop talking to me." I've seen before that conversations (among friends or among strangers) will take a nose dive into anger and fighting when either politics or religion are brought up. If I stir up his negative feelings now (or my own) I'll kill the good vibe we've got going.*

I decided to leap in anyway. I said, "Hmm, yes lots of people feel that way." I tried to turn it around to him (since he seemed to like talking about himself) and said, "What concerns you about it?"

He told me of his brother-in-law Tony,** who had a plumbing business with a few employees. "Tony is going to have to pay $10,000 more!" His face turned to worry. "He told me he's going to have to lay-off some employees!" he said. He continued that he was worried about how much HE would have to pay under the law.

Instead of talking about the particular situation or the reasons I did or didn't agree with him, I was in empathy-mode so I was able to focus on his worried feelings. I looked down and said, "You know, I think we won't really know for sure how 'bad' things are going to be (or good) until the rest of the law comes into effect. You remember when HMOs were the 'big new thing that everyone was worried about?" He nodded. "That's not a big deal for anyone these days, but at the time I remember how upset everyone was about the new change."

He agreed with that, and we were able to move on to more conversations about his nephews (also in the marines). In general he seemed to be a happy man who is looking forward to having his new knee put in.

--------------

I really liked talking to this man, and I remember so much about him. Even though we only met once I feel like if I saw him again I'd want to connect with him some more.

I do really believe that all we take with us in this life are our memories. I like myself more now because living a more empathetic life has let me build some really, really great ones.

I like new-me, I think I'll keep her around awhile.

Janet

*I'm aware that there may be folks reading this who also don't approve of the new health care law, and may get mad or angry or want to debate me after reading this post. That's cool - feel free to use the comment section to tell me your thoughts. I'll start by saying that I'm not trying to convince anyone of my point of view.

**I don't remember the brother-in-law's name and even if I did, I probably shouldn't put it on the internet. :) So Tony he will be for this story.

Everyone is Awesome and I Shouldn't Judge Them

Back in January, I wrote this post about building empathy with people. I talked about how keeping a mantra in mind, such as 'I love you, man' really made it easier to care about other people. This worked particularly well for strangers I just met, people I didn't know at all.

Earlier this week I had another thought that I think builds on this idea. If I love someone, a friend or a relative for example, I wouldn't judge them based on their appearance. If they looked good, I was happy for them. I've noticed that sometimes, when I see another person who's appearance is different from mine, I confess I've had thoughts of either judgement or jealousy. Instead of looking past what I was seeing (which is what I would do if I truly loved them, as a friend or a relative) I would be focusing on it.

This never happens with friends or relatives; just with people I don't know. People walking down the street or strangers at a party. For friends or relatives, I don't immediately judge them. I simply note it and move on, because I love them.

--------------

Of course, now that I see the behavior I'm trying to fix it. For the last week I've been consciously attempting to not judge people I don't know based on their appearance. I'm using two different 'tools' to accomplish this.

-------------

Tool #1 - Simpler; I don't talk about what a person is wearing.

When meeting a stranger, the way a person looks can tell you a lot about them. I'm looking at what they wear, their weight, their skin color, their apparent gender, their clothing appearance (shabby or pressed), their jewelry. I look. In the past, I have even used what a person is wearing to open up a conversation with "Oh, what a lovely necklace". I'm consciously trying to stop all of that by opening up every conversation with something NOT related to their looks.

It's hard but it seems to be working - it helps me to focus on what the person introducing us is saying like, "oh, have you met Bob, he's my friend from Georgia." or "Hi I'm Pamela I'm here with Manny from the city." By staying focused on them as a person and not on what they are wearing (good or bad), I can distract myself from looking at and therefore thinking about their appearance.

Here's a great article I read recently on an example of this, talking about approaching little girls and NOT immediately complimenting them on how cute they are.

Tool #2 - Focus on how amazing the person is.

Everyone, all people in this world (no matter how fantastic their life is) are facing some kind of challenge in their lives. We all hurt. Also, we all are reminded regularly how much pain and suffering there is in this world. I find it amazing that each day we can put that all aside and live, and survive, and even thrive. I look at everyone and think that we are all just awesome people for managing this crazy thing we call life. We are all finding ways to meet challenges - from the horrors of war to the challenges of just getting out of bed in the morning.

You are amazing. Yes you, the person reading this blog post. You are awesome!

Just for you being you - it's TIME TO DANCE!!!

Connecting in casual settings

Every day I'm trying a little harder to connect with people.

Sometimes I visit a local diner to pick up breakfast on my way to work.

The two people I meet most frequently there are the owner/manager, and one of the wait staff. Every time I go it's the same thing. I start with a friendly smile and a simple 'hi, how are you today'. Their response is pretty much the same every time - they cut me off and say, 'yes, what can I get for you' (although it comes out more like 'yeah whad-can-I-get-fur-ya', we are in New Jersey, after all)

So today I tried a different tactic. After I told him what I wanted, I waited a few moments for him to finish his tasks. Then I asked him how he was doing. He said, "Great, how about you" which was the best response I've gotten in three weeks!

I said, "hmm, good, I'm just looking forward to Spring'. His reply? 'It's already here'. I said, "Yes, and I'm waiting for the weather to warm up' and he replied, 'This is the weather we get, not worth complaining about'.

I thought that I should change topics, so I said, "Well this morning I'm just hoping that my car will start when I go outside." I'm thinking about that I'm trying to connect by sharing something personal about myself.

He replied with a solution to my problem. "Car won't start? Dead battery, replace the battery." I said, "Actually I think the battery is fine, it's the connection" and he replied, "Bad connection? Clean it. Baking soda and a toothbrush. Scrub scrub scrub."

I paid my check and left, thinking about the exchange.

It occurrs to me that there are some people who like to complain. They enjoy it, and find such banter light and easy to fall into. It makes them comfortable, and I've had some success with breaking into random conversations with this sort of opener. However, in this case he seemed to resent my (what I thought of as) harmless complaints. We seemed to be almost battling it out with each other - I said "A", he snapped back with "no, B". 
-------

Later, reflecting some more on the conversation I thought about how negative my approach to the conversation was. Every one of my comments was a negative. I was just hitting him, as it were, with bad thoughts and feelings. I realized that I wasn't really feeling so good that morning, it was cold and I hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before. What I had done but laid my bad thoughts all on this poor man who was just trying to earn a living and have a nice day. He didn't want me to ruin his nice morning; and what right did I have to do that? None, I think.

He obviously was comfortable engaging, he had lots of things to say about my 'issues'. The problem seemed to be a combination of my bad comments and his reaction to those comments.

_________

I want to find ways to connect with people, as many people as I can. Even though the 'casual complaint' does seem to work with some I can't assume it will work with everyone. I think it's more important for me to be open to the tone and emotion that a new person is bringing to the table before I choose an approach. I don't need to be positive all the time, just mindful.

Peace y'all

Janet

Gratitude for this Empathy Practice

I am so grateful for the opportunity to practice empathy in this way.

Sometimes it's a lot of work, sometimes I don't feel like it, but when I do it the rewards just keep coming.

Every time I push myself to listen with empathy to family and friends, my relationships become stronger. Every time that I push myself to say "how are you" to strangers, look them in the eye and MEAN IT, their minute interactions with me stay with me all day and for days afterwards.

There was a man with dark skin and a deep smile, who shared his joy at getting his palm leaves yesterday.
There was a young waitress, who shared her feelings about a expected late night at work, and the pluses (tips) and minuses (missing time with friends).
There was the hardworking sales representative I met on an airplane, who shared her memory of teasing about her uncommon name (Cassandra).

All these people stay with me, and my life is so much richer for them.

One of the reasons I write each week is to make connections to all of you. I do more work, but I feel like I know more about the lives of the people around me. And it truly brings me joy.

Have you connected with someone recently?

Janet