Driving with empathy

By their nature, cars impede empathy.

Which is good, because when we're driving we need to be able to focus on the road and the cars and the signs and the traffic. We can't spend our time communicating and reaching out, we have to be isolated in our cars, separated from the world and flying down highways at amazing speeds in a little metal box.

I've heard about the new self-driving cars and trucks being tested and I'm all for them. I think we should be able to stop worrying about protecting our lives while we drive, and get back to the incredibly difficult task of living our lives and being people.

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I'm going to get a little Luddite here; I think that driving is the most unnatural thing we do as humans and we should find a better way to do it. Perhaps it's the lonely nature of a ritual commute or the fact that it's wholly unlike anything our early human ancestors would have ever done, but it doesn't feel like it's what we should be spending hours or days or weeks of our life doing.

The closest 'natural' experience I have to driving is walking. I imagine that I'm strolling down a street, keeping a certain distance from the people around me. Other people are moving too, but they are moving at close to the same speed as me, so it doesn't look like we're all moving very fast. My instincts tell me this is a reasonably safe thing to do, because it is. When I'm walking there's little chance that bumping into another person will result in my immediate death or harm.

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Driving feels like walking, but it's also such an inhuman experience. We don't see and understand the stresses of our fellow drivers, we don't have their faces to interpret. We don't talk to them and they don't listen (well, maybe we do but they don't hear us). Perhaps that's what makes it feel so unnatural.

There are some people who are inventing ways to better communicate while driving (see the Wiper Wave). I wondered if there were other great ideas out there for a special invention or 'empathy system', so I asked my Facebook friends for help.

I did get some responses;  such as "Front and back lights display one word messages that can be voice activated by driver" or the "Apology sign.". These types of responses are like the Wiper Wave, because they are about expressing ourselves ('talking') while we drive. One person even wanted telepathy, the ultimate communication!

Talking is a two-way street, though, and someone has to listen. One of my friends said that we don't need a better way of communicating at all; instead, we need to all pay more attention to the signals we're already sending and receiving; such as lights and hand gestures. I'm not sure I agree; but it does tell me that we're not treating each other like people on the roads.

Unlike a nice saunter down an avenue, driving (especially commuting) is very dull. I'm just completely done with the same roads and the same cars and the same highway signs. Sure, when the seasons change it gets a little more interesting but it's still tedious. Getting bored is apparently a common thing, and more importantly, when we get bored we stop paying attention to anything and people get hurt. (See bored,  bored and bored).

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I imagine a future where I enter a road on my regular commute, and my car (all by itself) locks into place directly next to someone else's car. I'm not driving anymore, I'm riding. So maybe I'll relax, make a few calls and talk to my friends or family. Maybe I'll be working already, talking with someone over a computer screen or finishing up a project with my team. Or maybe I'll strike up a conversation with Sonia, the girl in the car next to mine.

Optimistically,

Janet

tldr: Self-driving cars will be great, because then we won't be bored and we'll start talking to each other again.

Buddhism, a New York monastery, and a trip back in time

This weekend I traveled to one of my favorite far-away places, a beautiful Buddhist temple in New York called Chuang Yen Monastery.

You can check out more pictures by clicking here.

The monastery is a place of real joy and calmness for me, and not just because of the beautiful landscape or the big Buddha statues. I received my first Buddhist teachings here in the form of weekly meditation lessons and group discussion from a Buddhist priest. In nice weather we would all sit on those very benches you see in the picture above, and talk. His name was Venerable Wisdom, and he's still teaching in Danbury, CT.

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The teachings were often very practical in nature, and he would answer questions from the group such as, "How do I deal with my angry neighbors?" Other times, they were more about the teachings of the Buddha. I remember telling him, "I read something about Buddhism and women - that women could not reach (the ultimate goal of Buddhism) enlightenment." I asked him what he thought of that.

He told me that everyone makes their own effort towards enlightenment. It takes time, sometimes lifetimes to accomplish. Some of those lifetimes may be lived as women, some as men. "Why not focus on the gains you can make now, in this life, rather than worrying about someday?"

I still try to reach my goals a little at a time.

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Now I come back here with my kids, to walk the grounds and to give my mind a chance to be calm again. It feels really, really good. I'm doing a little something toward my goal of a being a happier and more peaceful person.

Janet

Driving a car with empathy - guest post

Thinking about empathy and thinking about seeing things from another’s perspective, it occurred to me that I actually find myself in both perspectives on a regular basis. I’m talking about tailgating. I do it often AND I find it often done to me. The thing that surprised me once I started paying attention was how radically different my mindset was depending which end I was on.

When I’m tailgating, I’m invariably thinking about how inconsiderate this guy in front of me is for blocking up the road. Doesn’t he know I have somewhere to be? Can’t he move over (or pull over on a one lane road)? Can’t he speed up? What the heck is his problem? Sometimes I flash my lights. Sometimes I’ll zoom around on the right. Sometimes, as I’m passing, I’ll glare over at the other driver, communicating my disapproval. Does he think he owns the road? That he can set the pace for everybody?

When I’m being tailgated, I’m invariably thinking about what a jerk this guy is. Why does he have to be so close like that? Can’t he go around me? Can’t he relax a bit? He’s being dangerous and rude. Sometimes to get a tailgater away from me I’ll intentionally slow down. Like waaaay down. That’ll show ‘em. Does he think he owns the road?

See the problem? It’s really obvious once I lay it out like that. We tell ourselves these little stories about the world around us and it always revolves around US as the main character. But the truth is, EVERYONE is the main character. No one is more special than anyone else. The guy going slow has his story and the guy going fast has his story and neither one is more important. Point of fact I realized that I’m BOTH guys depending on what day it is and where I’m going and what sort of mood I’m in.

Since having this realization, I try to deliberately remind myself of the OTHER story, which ever it is. So when I start tailgating someone I remind myself of how I feel when I’m being tailgated. I realize that I’m being a jerk. I’m making him nervous. If he doesn’t get out of my way in the first few seconds then likely he’s not going to and I should back off. Likewise, when I’m being tailgated I realize that here too I might be the jerk. If there is room for me to get out of the way then I should do so. I’ve even pulled over on one-lane roads to let people pass.

It’s weird to think about being two people at once, in this case the slow guy in front and the fast guy behind, but sometimes I think it’s what this world needs.

Thanks to my husband for this article - Janet

Airport Empathy

I'm writing this post at 5:30am in Detroit, MI.

I came here last night on business, and after saying farewell to my family and talking nonstop politics to the nice taxi driver, I was finally at the airport and waiting for my flight to leave. We were delayed at least two hours so I ate some dinner and grabbed some edamame to go from the Sushi bar.

I sat in between a young early-20s woman with long, red hair and a mid-30s age Indian woman and her daughter. The girl looked to be about four or five, and was bouncing in her seat. She reminded me of my eldest daughter at that age, just idly singing to herself, in a language I didn't understand.

Halfway through my edamame snack, the young woman and I struck up a conversation. I tried to listen to her openly and with intent, focusing on empathy and my 'I love you man' internal speech, which worked out pretty good. In fact, it worked so well that she asked for my email address so we could keep in touch, which was SO UNUSUAL for me. Me, making friends at airports! :) I wonder if she'll write?

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After a while of waiting we were told that our plane had arrived, but they had to clean it before we could board. I was still talking to the young woman when I heard the little girl next to me, starting to get a bit loud. She had progressed to jumping on the heating unit, near the window, and was shouting. The mom was starting to look a little bit annoyed. I should mention that at one point earlier in my little airport adventure, the little girl had climbed under the seat to retrieve a toy, and had kicked me. The mom looked at me and said "sorry" and I said "not a problem, I have two at home, totally understand" and smiled.

The little girl got a bit louder. She had pulled her mom's luggage off of the chair and dragged it over to the waiting area by the plane. Even louder now, saying the same phrase over and over (which I assume meant 'come on' or 'please' or 'mama' or something to that nature). She was nearly screaming it now, and I found myself pulled into looking at her. All I could think of was that this mom, this poor mom, she had been through so much already, taking care of her kid through airport security, through baggage maybe, then through the terminal, and then through waiting and keeping her entertained for hours and hours. So I interrupted my discussion with the young woman saying, "I'm sorry, but I feel so much for this mom, I have to do something" and ran through the terminal. I ran because I was worried about missing the boarding, as we were going to get on at any minute. (Just to make it clear how loud this girl was getting, I could still hear her as I ran through the terminal).I just kept thinking that this Mom was probably tired and done and just out of ideas for how to calm her daughter. I ran to the little candy/bookstore, scanned the shelves, and bought the first coloring book with markers I saw. It's not much, I thought, but maybe it will be a 'new toy' for a short while and give the Mom the break she (to my mind) so desperately needed.

I ran back with the book and thought, "how am I going to approach her, she's a stranger, really" but I ran right up to her. The little girl was still screaming and shouting and crying, jumping up and down, and the mom was just hanging on to her and keeping her from running off. I walked up to her and said, "Excuse me, I just would like to tell you that I know how you feel, I've been where you are, and if this will help you at all..." holding out the book. The little girl - stopped crying - and after a brief moment of hesitation - was soon coloring and sitting down and the mom looked 1 million times relieved. At first the mom had tried to make an excuse for the girl, "she's just tired, she really wants to get on the plane' but then just said, "um, yes, okay" to the book. I wasn't sure why she was trying to explain, at first, and I could tell she wasn't sure about getting something from a stranger, but when the mom accepted the book, she (and all of us at the terminal) seemed much happier for it.

At the time it wasn't the logical thing to do, it was the emotional thing. I was just going with my feelings for the mom, and acting on those feelings.

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A few people at the terminal stopped me on my way to the plane (we were boarding now) and commented, "That was a wonderful thing you did". I felt good getting their comments, but not as good as seeing the look of peace and gratefulness on this mom's face as we boarded the plane. Another person said to me that a few moments before (perhaps while I was off  buying the book, since I didn't see this) an old man had come up to the mom and said loudly, "We don't need to hear your child crying. Quiet her down." I was horrified to hear this - although not surprised - but now I understood why she was trying to 'explain' herself to me. She thought I was coming up to scold her, too. Not true!

Finally, as I was getting on the plane, the airline bumped me up to a bigger seat free of charge. I didn't ask - they just did it. Paying it forward, I suppose.

Thanks for listening and please add your stories and thoughts!

:)

Places I've lived :Binghamton NY

I lived in Binghamton, NY in the late 1990s, while attending graduate school.

It was exciting being there, because it was my first time being far from my family and friends. I had a car for the very first time, and I spent many a bored afternoon using it to explore the area. I would say that being there was my first real experience with independent living.

We had horrible weather in Binghamton. At least every month or so you would overhear the joke about how classes should be cancelled if the sun was shining.

One rare sunny day, I drove off in a nice direction following my nose and heading out of town. I found myself on top of one of the many steep hillsides, at a public park. The park was empty of people but full of children's playground equipment, and it sat alongside an old merry-go-round that was closed. I had heard that Binghamton was full of old merry-go-rounds, some of them with classic horses, but this was the first one I had seen. You can see all about them at this link.

I sat down on the hill and watched the sun sparkle over the candy-colored mountains. It was very beautiful.

Here's a nice picture so you can try to imagine.

Photo by Bonnie Campbell

Have you ever been somewhere so beautiful that you can't ever forget?

Travel

Yesterday was all about family. Today, I'll tell you a little bit about the places I've visited. I've not traveled very much (yet):

USA and Canada: New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Maine, Florida, North Carolina, New Mexico, California, Niagara Falls, Toronto

And

Aruba

UPDATE #2: I think North Carolina was very interesting, for the food. I've had both really good food experiences there and really bad. The really good food was a vegetarian meal at, of all places, a traditional meaty BBQ. I had side dish after side dish and it was totally amazing.

The really bad food was at a wedding; they served us paper cups of kool-aid and dried out tiny cakes. Eeew.

Where have you traveled? What was the most interesting place you visited, and why?

UPDATE #1: A friend of mine who flies his own small plane shared this with me. I think this is a great way to see the world. He's flown as far north as Nashua, NH and Ra-ra-ra-Rochester, and as far south as Ocean City, MD. I wonder what Nashua, NH is like? According to Wikipedia it's the second largest city in the state.

"a Google Map that has a marker for every airport in my logbook. I've been other places, but I don't think getting to any of those was as much fun."