Hating hurts

Back in college*, I knew this girl. She was everything I couldn't stand; she was whiny, she apologized for herself 30 zillion times every day. She needed help with everything; and if I couldn't help her when she asked for it, she'd apologize for asking and then ask if I didn't like her anymore. In short - she had very low self-esteem, and was really, really annoying.

I tried telling her to 'please go away'. I tried being a little mean, shutting the door in her face and walking away from conversations in the middle. She came right back. I told the R.A. that she was a 'problem' and could they please switch my dorm rooms to another building? He said 'no, that's not enough of a reason' and wouldn't let me do it. Friends asked me 'how do you tolerate her' and 'what is the deal with her, she knows she's not wanted?' I told them I didn't like her, that I wished she was gone.

Since I couldn't make her go away, I started avoiding anywhere I might run into her. I kept away from the student union, I turned around and went the other direction when I saw her coming. When I did go back to my room, I jumped whenever the door made a noise, thinking it was her. By the end of the school year I was feeling pretty bad about her, about dorm life, and about school altogether. Then the semester ended and I never saw her again.

Now I'm wondering - what would today's me think of old me? What would I do if I met someone like this now, perhaps at work?

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Hating someone is no fun for the hater - I was distracted so my studies suffered, I was catty and mean and I don't like myself that way. I had taken an official 'position' - I didn't like her and I told everyone I thought this way. Taking a position is kind of like joining a political party, once I join it I will defend it to the end.

If I went back in time and talked to old-me, I might tell myself that by keeping this position, I was hurting myself. I needed to change my position and stop hating her. I needed to see the situation differently. Perhaps I needed to have empathy for her. She was amazing (as we all are) and deserves respect for getting up every day and putting herself through her day.

Do you work or live with someone right now, who you don't like? Do you think having empathy would help?

Janet

*Some of the elements of this story have been changed to protect identities.

About Me - Math Degree, Part II

Continued from this previous post.....

I walked into the small classroom and looked around. As per the school's protocol, I had chosen who would test me from my group of professors. There was the Algebra professor, who never ridiculed me and had always seemed to give me a fair shot. A brilliant man. In front of me was the Topology professor. I felt real, palpable fear when looking at the top of his head (he hadn't looked up to see me enter). At least one more professor was in the room, but honestly I can't recall who it was. 

Then it began. Professor A would ask questions first, so I was a bit relieved. He asked me some straight-forward questions, just facts. I was thinking, 'this isn't so bad, is this all that I have to do?' Then he asked me to show a proof. For those of you not familiar with higher math classes, this means I was asked to prove a theorem was correct by running though a sequence of logical steps on the blackboard. I remember being so nervous as I began the proof that the chalk kept slipping out of my sweaty hand.

Eeew, I know. But you had to be there.

I ran through the steps staring straight at the blackboard, never turning around or looking back to see what they thought. I put down the chalk and turned to face my professor, certain that this was where they were going to tell me I failed, that I didn't earn a degree, and I should just go back to New York empty-handed. The professor just nodded at me, said "that's correct" and started to ask me another question.

OH MY GOSH!!! I think my heart just leaped out of my chest it was pounding so hard. I got it right! I can be logical under pressure! Maybe I can pass! Maybe I can do this thing!

The next set of questions from Professor A were also straight forward, and when he was done I almost cried  I was so happy. I felt so happy, that is, until I turned to Professor T.

Professor T skipped straight to  proofs. He asked me to do three proofs, one after the other, and after the first two he said simply 'okay' and moved on to the next request. I had already been through such an emotional high and low that I was barely seeing through my eyes. It felt like a fog was in the room, and there was just me, the chalkboard, and my professors' voice. I didn't even have space to be scared of him anymore.

I didn't know the answer to the third proof, but because I lost the fear I was able to say, "I'm sorry, I don't know that one". He said "okay" and we moved on.

They did pass me, I did earn my degree.

(yay!)

Every challenge I've faced since that day has paled in comparison. I've faced down math professors! Woo! :)

How about you? What challenges have you faced? What fears have you conquered?

About me: Math Degree, part 1

Approximately 20 years ago, I sat for a test that changed my perspective. I presented myself for a three-hour oral exam in theoretical mathematics. If I passed, I would earn a Master's degree (M.A.).

I was very, very nervous walking in.

Before graduate school, I believed I was 'good' at math and science, and as long as I studied and practiced, could reach any goal. When I first got there I was confident. My undergrad teachers had encouraged me, I had gotten very high grades, and I was sure a Ph.D. was in my future. I loved math and studying, what else would I do?

However, for the previous two years of grad school, I had studied alongside some very intelligent boys who had outshone me at every turn. I had been barely scraping by with a solid C average.

Looking back now I guess that either I really was sub-par in abilities to my fellow students, or I was so regularly discouraged by my teachers and fellow students that I lost my confident streak. As a result (and this is my character) I stopped trying.

It stands out in my memory a certain day when I attended at least two classes, and in both I attempted to answer questions from the professor. In both cases I was told that my answer was 'obviously' wrong, and given looks of sadness and pity from my classmates. I resolved after that day to not bother answering or asking questions, as what was the point? This, of course, just led to me doing even worse.

I was fairly miserable at that point in time, about 8 months before the exam.

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Now it's exam day, and I'm pacing outside of a room containing four professors and a chalkboard. I had studied and practiced. I knew that I was so unhappy being there that even if they, by some miracle, passed me, I would be leaving the school and never returning.

Then I took a deep breath and walked in. All of the professors were sitting, low in their chairs and leaning back. None of them smiled. Then the questions began.

to be continued on Monday....

Places I've lived :Binghamton NY

I lived in Binghamton, NY in the late 1990s, while attending graduate school.

It was exciting being there, because it was my first time being far from my family and friends. I had a car for the very first time, and I spent many a bored afternoon using it to explore the area. I would say that being there was my first real experience with independent living.

We had horrible weather in Binghamton. At least every month or so you would overhear the joke about how classes should be cancelled if the sun was shining.

One rare sunny day, I drove off in a nice direction following my nose and heading out of town. I found myself on top of one of the many steep hillsides, at a public park. The park was empty of people but full of children's playground equipment, and it sat alongside an old merry-go-round that was closed. I had heard that Binghamton was full of old merry-go-rounds, some of them with classic horses, but this was the first one I had seen. You can see all about them at this link.

I sat down on the hill and watched the sun sparkle over the candy-colored mountains. It was very beautiful.

Here's a nice picture so you can try to imagine.

Photo by Bonnie Campbell

Have you ever been somewhere so beautiful that you can't ever forget?

Empathy Online

I find it very, very difficult to be a good, loving and open listener in an online forum. In person I can smile, I can focus on the person's eyes, I can truly encourage happy and open thoughts when interacting with them.

I find it much, much harder to be a good listener in a text-only format, such as facebook, twitter, linkedin or even just regular e-mail. The words are there, but what's missing (for me) is the context of the words. I can't see their expression, I can't tell if they were tired, or happy, or lonely when they made their comment. It's stripped of all the interpersonal detail that I get very quickly out of seeing someone's face.

I have myself posted material to social media that was misunderstood by being taken out of context, and as a result, caused family and friends to be hurt. I think it's just too easy to be misunderstood online.

___________________

I recently posted a link to this article on our facebook page about how fifth-grade students can be taught to empathize with people from history and the choices they have made. This seems very similar to me to empathizing online - a history book is mostly text, with a few photos. The article states that there are four things we need to build up this historical-type empathy:

1. “the introduction of an historical event necessitating the analysis of human action"
2. "the understanding of historical context and chronology"
3. "the analysis of a variety of historical evidence and interpretations", and 
4. "the construction of a narrative framework through which historical conclusions are reached” 

Item 1 (the event) and item 2 (overall context) I can see pretty quickly in most situations with friends or family online, especially if I know the person and/or they live in the same area of the world. My challenge to putting myself in someone else's shoes is to try to come up with a variety of different reasons why they do the things they do (item 3), and to construct their narrative framework (item 4).

Here's a lighthearted example to close with; here's a tweet by @libazann: Accidentally turned on the Con-Air instead of the aircon. Now John Malkovich is trying to kill me & Nic Cage is trying to give me a bunny.

I don't know this person. My first thought is to laugh, because I know the movie she's talking about and I like it. However, perhaps she's sad, and is unhappy that she turned on this movie. Maybe she doesn't like it or is known among her friends as the one who makes fun of John Malkovich and Nicholas Cage. If by 'aircon' she means 'air conditoner', well, now I'm hoping she's not sweltering in a hot apartment somewhere while the dust storm in Australia zooms on by.

Everyone deserves to be listened to. Do you have an experience of being misunderstood in an online context?

Cognitive Empathy

According to the video that inspired this blog, cognitive empathy is looking at others and seeing through their eyes. Seeing their "world view, their beliefs, their fears, the experiences that shape how they look at the world and how they look at themselves. "

The Wikipedia page has a few other definitions.

I'm adding my voice to the internet in an effort to view the world through others' eyes. I share with you in the hope that you will share with me, and let me see things as you do.

When I was in grade school a sparrow was hurt in our playground, and some kids were standing around it in a circle. My memory of the day is a bit hazy but I don't think they were teasing it, just not sure what to do with it. I picked it up and, with the help of a teacher, nursed the bird to health. I remember carrying it in a box with a sweater. I remember getting it water to drink. I remember people telling me that it was okay to touch the bird because it wasn't dirty, like a pigeon. I remember it was so light and fragile, and yet, so calm.

I wasn't there the day that my teacher released it. She told me later that the bird flew away quickly, and seemed happy to go.

Often times when I think about the feelings I have about animals I think about that bird, and that day. I definitely felt something toward the bird, but if it wasn't for the help of others and their understanding of why I wanted to help the bird, I wouldn't have been able to do anything to make an impact on it's life.

That's kind of how I think of this blog. The more I know about you, the more easily I can understand and support your decisions, and maybe the more lives I can touch.

Come share the discussion here through the comments, or join us on facebook.