The right way to do a job - trying to build empathy for Kim Davis

I know that having empathy for a person and agreeing with a person are different. If I disagree with someone, though, it's hard to build empathy for them.

As an example, right now, if you and I were to run into each other at the grocery store we might start talking about the news. We might discuss Kim Davis, elected County Clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, and how she went to jail for refusing to issue marriage licenses to couples. Ms. Davis has said that she did it because it's now legal to marry in the U.S. if you are gay, and that issuing licenses to gay couples conflicts with her religion.

I believe strongly that civil marriage should be legal between any two people regardless of their sexual orientation, and so I celebrated when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of this. As a result, I firmly agree with the local Kentucky residents who want to get married. I feel frustration for the men and women who were trying to get married and couldn't get licenses until Ms. Davis went to jail a few days ago.

I feel anger at this woman. I think, why is she choosing to use her position of power to cause disruption in the lives of these people?

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I also believe strongly in keeping my ethics and my work tied together. I had a summer job teaching at a local college many years ago, for Calculus III. This was a difficult class for undergrads; and it was made more difficult because of the intense schedule (we were meeting for 3 hours a day, 3 days a week for 6 weeks). It didn't surprise me that many of the students were unable to learn the subject that quickly, and out of a class of 12; 4 of them were failing out. I was in my office grading papers one day, when there was a knock at the door. I was expecting a student, so was surprised to see an older man I didn't know walk in.

He introduced himself as the Dean of the Chemistry department. He then said that one of my failing students was trying to graduate, and that all they needed was this one class. Could I see any way that they could pass? I told him that, at this point, it would be really hard; they had already failed every weekly test, and the midterm exam, with grades below 50 percent. I said, "If they turn themselves around and get a high score on the final exam, they can pass. " He then asked me, "Could you pass them anyway, even if they fail the final?"

I was floored that he asked me to do this. I looked at him, and repeated, "Only if they get a high score on the final exam." He looked at me and said, "I know you'll do the right thing. Think about it, and when it comes time to submit grades, pass him. " Then he shook my hand and walked out. After he left I sat there for a few minutes; not sure of what to do.

This was horrible! My job is to teach students, and the grades are supposed to reflect that they've learned or not learned the material. I had heard about students trading favors for grades, and I had caught students cheating. This was completely different; this was one teacher asking another to change a student's grade! I was mortified that he would ask; but I wasn't sure what I could do. I thought, well, he's a Dean and I'm just an adjunct professor, I'm pretty sure I have to do what he tells me to do. Also, although this was a summer job I thought I was going to end up teaching for the rest of my life. I was hoping to get a letter of recommendation from this school, and I was worried about what would happen if I did flunk the student. Then I thought, let me see how this kid does on his final exam. I don't need to decide until then.

In the end, the student got only one question right out of ten on the final exam, and I needed to fail him. I decided that it wouldn't be right not to, it wouldn't be fair to the other kids who worked harder to earn their grade. I remember the strong feeling of decisiveness that came over me as I entered his grade and handed it in.

After I submitted the grades, I went to the Dean of the Math Department (my boss) and told him what had happened. He agreed that it was improper, but he didn't say to me if he was going to alert anyone else. I didn't ask for the recommendation letter. Since I didn't end up going into a teaching career, I've never heard from any of them again.

It felt really good standing up for what I felt was right, and doing my job the way I thought it ought to be done.

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I know that teaching a class is very different from being elected Deputy Clerk of a County; but in many ways they are similar. We're both acting based on what we know and believe to be the right way of doing things; and we're both in positions of power; we're making decisions that affect other people's lives.

So when I think about Ms. Kim Davis, I think that her job is to issue marriage licenses, and to determine who is eligible for a license. If I was in her position, I can imagine that maybe she doesn't agree with her bosses definition of eligible (in this case, the government's definition). If I was her, maybe I wouldn't issue a license until I thought about what I was doing, and decided if I agreed or disagreed with it. Maybe I would be trying to talk to my boss, in this case, the government and the people who elected me. Maybe I would be talking with others, friends and family, to see what they would do.

I disagree with her, and I have empathy for her.

Janet

What holds us back? Listening to some academics talk about empathy

Last year, the SEEK company brought some people together from a bunch of different disciplines and had them all talk about empathy from their own point of view. I loved this video so much that I wanted to share it with you. Really, I just wanted it to go on forever. It was everything I remember to be good about college; great ideas shared in a relaxed environment over some yummy looking food and drink.

Click here to see the video, The first of a series of roundtables around the topic of Empathy. Recorded July, 2013 at the Massachusetts Historical Society's Dowse Library.*

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The speakers began by trying to define what empathy meant to each of them, which I would call the 'getting to know you' part of the discussion. Then came the question, what can cause empathy to happen? Is it something that we can learn and grow ourselves (as I believe) or does it only arise naturally, or both? The point was then made that empathy can and does arise naturally, but only if we share a culture** with the other person we're connecting to. 

This concept rings very true for me. When I see another person and we do any number of cultural acts together (I'm thinking of simple things like shaking hands or holding open a door) then I can more easily step into their shoes. Let's say I take a trip someplace far away, and I see another mom towing her child around. No matter how different looking and dressing and talking she is, something about her is familiar, and I can feel close to her without even thinking about it.  

So if shared culture and habits and behaviors can bring us together, why aren't I friends with everyone in my town? The group seemed to agree on one idea that keeps us apart. Fear. 

I do agree with them that fear is an obstacle - and most people would agree, I think, that fear can hold us back. The idea here is that it actually prevents us from connecting with each other. 

If I am afraid of you, it doesn't matter what cultural norms we share. The fear fills me up and can prevent me from seeing things from your point of view. I don't know why this is; perhaps it's because of our fight or flight instincts to survive. Perhaps it's because, like the Buddha's teachings say, that the strong emotion of fear takes up all the space in my mind that might otherwise be filled with compassion and empathy. I'm no longer at peace, and so I don't have any room left to see a life other than my own.

The rest of the talk was also great but I'll let you see that for yourself.

So what do you think? Does fear hold you back, is it keeping you from connecting to someone?

Janet

*Let's give some kudos to all of the people talking in this video (links to biographies):

Dr. Marco Iacoboni, Professor and Neurologist
Dr. Mary Hellen Immordino-Yang, Cognitive Neuroscientist and Professor
Dr. Robert Weller, Professor and Anthropologist
Dr. Adam Seligman, Professor of Sociology, Social Anthropology and Religion
Leslie Jamison, Author, PhD candidate at Yale University
Ben Doepke & the SEEK company (host)

** Here by "culture" I don't mean something intellectual. I'm talking about culture as behavior, I'm talking about how in some parts of the world looking someone in the eye is considered good and in other parts of the world it's considered bad. Anyone know more about sociology out there, and can help me to define culture more accurately, feel free to do so in the comments.

Hating hurts

Back in college*, I knew this girl. She was everything I couldn't stand; she was whiny, she apologized for herself 30 zillion times every day. She needed help with everything; and if I couldn't help her when she asked for it, she'd apologize for asking and then ask if I didn't like her anymore. In short - she had very low self-esteem, and was really, really annoying.

I tried telling her to 'please go away'. I tried being a little mean, shutting the door in her face and walking away from conversations in the middle. She came right back. I told the R.A. that she was a 'problem' and could they please switch my dorm rooms to another building? He said 'no, that's not enough of a reason' and wouldn't let me do it. Friends asked me 'how do you tolerate her' and 'what is the deal with her, she knows she's not wanted?' I told them I didn't like her, that I wished she was gone.

Since I couldn't make her go away, I started avoiding anywhere I might run into her. I kept away from the student union, I turned around and went the other direction when I saw her coming. When I did go back to my room, I jumped whenever the door made a noise, thinking it was her. By the end of the school year I was feeling pretty bad about her, about dorm life, and about school altogether. Then the semester ended and I never saw her again.

Now I'm wondering - what would today's me think of old me? What would I do if I met someone like this now, perhaps at work?

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Hating someone is no fun for the hater - I was distracted so my studies suffered, I was catty and mean and I don't like myself that way. I had taken an official 'position' - I didn't like her and I told everyone I thought this way. Taking a position is kind of like joining a political party, once I join it I will defend it to the end.

If I went back in time and talked to old-me, I might tell myself that by keeping this position, I was hurting myself. I needed to change my position and stop hating her. I needed to see the situation differently. Perhaps I needed to have empathy for her. She was amazing (as we all are) and deserves respect for getting up every day and putting herself through her day.

Do you work or live with someone right now, who you don't like? Do you think having empathy would help?

Janet

*Some of the elements of this story have been changed to protect identities.

A Streetcar Named Desire - Movie Review

As some of you know, I'm a big fan of the movies - classic and current. Some other posts I've done on movies:

Classic
Not-so-classic

In college, I took several classes in film and television. These were some of the most fun classes I took; because every week we got to have a 'lab' where we saw a movie or a sequence of television shows. Everything from Murphy Brown to Busby Berkeley to Cyd Charisse. It was completely awesome!

Subscribing to Netflix means that I can spend my brief free time blocks watching movies. I don't get out to the theaters much anymore, so this is the only way I can watch movies.

Last night was one of those rare occasions where the husband was out, the kids were in bed, and I had the TV all to myself. Movie night!
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A Streetcar Named Desire

Before watching

What I know about this movie comes only from pop culture references, things like "Stella!" being shouted by a man at a window and the famous last line, "I've always depended upon the kindness of strangers." I know that it starred Marlon Brando, and that it was based on a play by Tennessee Williams. I had read The Glass Menagerie in high school, but not either Streetcar or Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (his other famous plays). So I knew I was in for some crafted lines and dramatic, painful characters.

During the film

Okay so for those of us born after 1970; who knew that Marlon Brando was hot! I mean it's a bit surprising to hear the famous voice from The Godfather or Superman's Dad, coming out of someone who would make any teenager of any generation swoon. I have always thought of him as an actor with presence but this movie seals the deal. He's a fantastic actor, worthy of all the praise he's received.

Vivien Leigh is incredible. No wonder she took home the Best Actress Oscar for this movie. At first I was all like, wow, okay, so she's playing this southern belle character and I feel like it's so one-dimensional and false. But as the movie goes on I'm realizing that she's really got layers on layers, and the reason she came off as one-dimensional is because she's an actress portraying a person who is putting up a false image of themselves. Very meta and very, very well done. Having not read the play ( I won't spoil it for you if you haven't) I was completely taken in and carried along by the story she was telling.

After the film

The story was compelling. The acting was terrific, violent and strong. I would rate this among the best stories I've seen in a long time.  I think with the dark subject matter the audio was done really well (adding to the tension at all the right spots and not getting in the way of the story). However, the film style was a little less than I was hoping for. I wonder if chairoscuro would have changed the feel of the film? It just seemed like the dirtiness of New Orleans was not dirty enough, and the mood was almost 'too light' at times to match the story.

Okay so four and a half out of five stars for me. I would definitely recommend this to anyone who likes drama and classic movies.

Anyone have a favorite movie they want to recommend? Add it to the comments!

Janet

About Me - Math Degree, Part II

Continued from this previous post.....

I walked into the small classroom and looked around. As per the school's protocol, I had chosen who would test me from my group of professors. There was the Algebra professor, who never ridiculed me and had always seemed to give me a fair shot. A brilliant man. In front of me was the Topology professor. I felt real, palpable fear when looking at the top of his head (he hadn't looked up to see me enter). At least one more professor was in the room, but honestly I can't recall who it was. 

Then it began. Professor A would ask questions first, so I was a bit relieved. He asked me some straight-forward questions, just facts. I was thinking, 'this isn't so bad, is this all that I have to do?' Then he asked me to show a proof. For those of you not familiar with higher math classes, this means I was asked to prove a theorem was correct by running though a sequence of logical steps on the blackboard. I remember being so nervous as I began the proof that the chalk kept slipping out of my sweaty hand.

Eeew, I know. But you had to be there.

I ran through the steps staring straight at the blackboard, never turning around or looking back to see what they thought. I put down the chalk and turned to face my professor, certain that this was where they were going to tell me I failed, that I didn't earn a degree, and I should just go back to New York empty-handed. The professor just nodded at me, said "that's correct" and started to ask me another question.

OH MY GOSH!!! I think my heart just leaped out of my chest it was pounding so hard. I got it right! I can be logical under pressure! Maybe I can pass! Maybe I can do this thing!

The next set of questions from Professor A were also straight forward, and when he was done I almost cried  I was so happy. I felt so happy, that is, until I turned to Professor T.

Professor T skipped straight to  proofs. He asked me to do three proofs, one after the other, and after the first two he said simply 'okay' and moved on to the next request. I had already been through such an emotional high and low that I was barely seeing through my eyes. It felt like a fog was in the room, and there was just me, the chalkboard, and my professors' voice. I didn't even have space to be scared of him anymore.

I didn't know the answer to the third proof, but because I lost the fear I was able to say, "I'm sorry, I don't know that one". He said "okay" and we moved on.

They did pass me, I did earn my degree.

(yay!)

Every challenge I've faced since that day has paled in comparison. I've faced down math professors! Woo! :)

How about you? What challenges have you faced? What fears have you conquered?

About me: Math Degree, part 1

Approximately 20 years ago, I sat for a test that changed my perspective. I presented myself for a three-hour oral exam in theoretical mathematics. If I passed, I would earn a Master's degree (M.A.).

I was very, very nervous walking in.

Before graduate school, I believed I was 'good' at math and science, and as long as I studied and practiced, could reach any goal. When I first got there I was confident. My undergrad teachers had encouraged me, I had gotten very high grades, and I was sure a Ph.D. was in my future. I loved math and studying, what else would I do?

However, for the previous two years of grad school, I had studied alongside some very intelligent boys who had outshone me at every turn. I had been barely scraping by with a solid C average.

Looking back now I guess that either I really was sub-par in abilities to my fellow students, or I was so regularly discouraged by my teachers and fellow students that I lost my confident streak. As a result (and this is my character) I stopped trying.

It stands out in my memory a certain day when I attended at least two classes, and in both I attempted to answer questions from the professor. In both cases I was told that my answer was 'obviously' wrong, and given looks of sadness and pity from my classmates. I resolved after that day to not bother answering or asking questions, as what was the point? This, of course, just led to me doing even worse.

I was fairly miserable at that point in time, about 8 months before the exam.

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Now it's exam day, and I'm pacing outside of a room containing four professors and a chalkboard. I had studied and practiced. I knew that I was so unhappy being there that even if they, by some miracle, passed me, I would be leaving the school and never returning.

Then I took a deep breath and walked in. All of the professors were sitting, low in their chairs and leaning back. None of them smiled. Then the questions began.

to be continued on Monday....

Places I've lived :Binghamton NY

I lived in Binghamton, NY in the late 1990s, while attending graduate school.

It was exciting being there, because it was my first time being far from my family and friends. I had a car for the very first time, and I spent many a bored afternoon using it to explore the area. I would say that being there was my first real experience with independent living.

We had horrible weather in Binghamton. At least every month or so you would overhear the joke about how classes should be cancelled if the sun was shining.

One rare sunny day, I drove off in a nice direction following my nose and heading out of town. I found myself on top of one of the many steep hillsides, at a public park. The park was empty of people but full of children's playground equipment, and it sat alongside an old merry-go-round that was closed. I had heard that Binghamton was full of old merry-go-rounds, some of them with classic horses, but this was the first one I had seen. You can see all about them at this link.

I sat down on the hill and watched the sun sparkle over the candy-colored mountains. It was very beautiful.

Here's a nice picture so you can try to imagine.

Photo by Bonnie Campbell

Have you ever been somewhere so beautiful that you can't ever forget?

Great Classic Movies

I have an ongoing love affair - with movies.

The other day I tried to explain why they call it 'netflix' to my 5 year old. They used to call them flicks, because in the early days of movie projectors the images would flicker on the screen. I'm not sure my explanation really worked but it reminded me of my college years.

See, in college I studied films and television, and I would have minored in film studies had it not been for ONE class that was only offered every TWO YEARS.....not that I'm resentful, it was a really good program and I learned a lot about how what we see is created and not just 'filmed'.

These days with two kids I don't really get to see much in the theaters, but I do try to watch as many classics as I can. I'm of the opinion that these movies were great once, maybe they are still great, and I'd like to find out.

Some movies I've seen this way:

- The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (fantastic! truly holds the test of time)
- Easy Rider (yeah, not so much. didn't really connect with this one)
- Roman Holiday (I'm a fan of that cheesy romantic comedy 'Only You' and this movie is mentioned and likely used for some inspiration. Roman Holiday was better, and hey, y'know, Gregory Peck. :)

Have you seen a movie from before your time, that you loved? That you hated?