If you practice, empathy may become automatic - A feedback at work story

I was recently reminded that building empathy takes practice. It also takes effort, it takes repetition, and it is hard sometimes. But the payoffs are fantastic.

I have a job, and I know that part of working any job is being able to play nicely with the other kids in the schoolyard. If I don't get along I could get reprimanded, or even fired. I also have the added task of working closely with our customers. If I'm not 'nice', well, then they could decide they don't want our business anymore. Peter Shankman talks about this concept all the time on his blog.

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The other day my boss passed me some feedback from a client* who was mad. He said, "Joe said you were pushy, and inflexible, and not customer focused." According to Joe, when working with me he felt "It's her way or the highway."

That's when empathy hit me right between the eyes.

I immediately felt what this guy was feeling. No matter what caused him to say those things, his perception immediately became my reality. I was standing next to him at the water cooler, listening to him moan about this horrible consultant he had to work with. I was a fly on the wall in his boss's office, while he went on and on about how difficult it was to talk with me. I was him, and at the same time I was me, remembering that time I had a really bad experience with a doctor's office. Things didn't happen the way I wanted them to, and I was unhappy about it.

What if I said these things? Why would I say them? How would I be feeling? I would be feeling hurt. I would be feeling angry at how I had been treated - and feeling like 'she wasn't being fair' and 'she wasn't helping me'.  Mostly, that 'she wasn't listening to me'.

All these thoughts helped me to put his comments in perspective. I remembered the day that I talked to him. I could see how my comments could be seen as pushy. I told my boss, "I know better, and I shouldn't have treated a client that way. I'll definitely try to do better next time. "

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What was so great about this automatic empathy was that I didn't get defensive and I didn't argue. Practicing empathy allowed me to get past my own anger, and see the information for what it was. I was still MAD at what this guy said. I think that just makes sense, he was insulting me. I was just able to take that out of the equation when talking to my boss.

Anyone care to share a 'getting' or 'giving' feedback story (good or bad)? Please use the comments, or send me a message on our facebook page.

Janet

*Names and details have been changed. 

Hating hurts

Back in college*, I knew this girl. She was everything I couldn't stand; she was whiny, she apologized for herself 30 zillion times every day. She needed help with everything; and if I couldn't help her when she asked for it, she'd apologize for asking and then ask if I didn't like her anymore. In short - she had very low self-esteem, and was really, really annoying.

I tried telling her to 'please go away'. I tried being a little mean, shutting the door in her face and walking away from conversations in the middle. She came right back. I told the R.A. that she was a 'problem' and could they please switch my dorm rooms to another building? He said 'no, that's not enough of a reason' and wouldn't let me do it. Friends asked me 'how do you tolerate her' and 'what is the deal with her, she knows she's not wanted?' I told them I didn't like her, that I wished she was gone.

Since I couldn't make her go away, I started avoiding anywhere I might run into her. I kept away from the student union, I turned around and went the other direction when I saw her coming. When I did go back to my room, I jumped whenever the door made a noise, thinking it was her. By the end of the school year I was feeling pretty bad about her, about dorm life, and about school altogether. Then the semester ended and I never saw her again.

Now I'm wondering - what would today's me think of old me? What would I do if I met someone like this now, perhaps at work?

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Hating someone is no fun for the hater - I was distracted so my studies suffered, I was catty and mean and I don't like myself that way. I had taken an official 'position' - I didn't like her and I told everyone I thought this way. Taking a position is kind of like joining a political party, once I join it I will defend it to the end.

If I went back in time and talked to old-me, I might tell myself that by keeping this position, I was hurting myself. I needed to change my position and stop hating her. I needed to see the situation differently. Perhaps I needed to have empathy for her. She was amazing (as we all are) and deserves respect for getting up every day and putting herself through her day.

Do you work or live with someone right now, who you don't like? Do you think having empathy would help?

Janet

*Some of the elements of this story have been changed to protect identities.

Empathy - you don't need to be certified

Ever since starting this blog I've read a lot of articles and stories about empathy. I've seen stories written by psychologists, by medical doctors, and by economists. All of these people have a podium and are using their influence to say that empathy is good, and here's how it's good for people who work in 'my profession'. I say that anyone can join this party; empathy is good for any job where you have to work with other people.

For example, I work for a large company. I have co-workers, managers and clients. If I'm thinking about how my clients/co-workers/managers are feeling, then I'm listening to them. Developing those 'listening well' skills is a great way to do business because:

1. It helps me to get along better with my clients. I'm spending effort listening to their needs, and getting them what they need within the constraints of my job. So my clients (in turn) like me more, and want to keep doing business with me. They give me great feedback after projects are complete, so my manager is happy (see #3 below).

2. It helps me to get along better with my co-workers. I'm spending time listening to not just what my co-workers are asking me to do but also how they are feeling about the work.* So my co-workers (in turn) find me easy to work with, and want to keep me on interesting projects. If I stay busy I'm more likely to stay employed. Also they give me great feedback after our projects are complete, so my manager is happy (see #3 below).

3. It helps me to get along better with my managers and leadership in general. Also, as per #1 and #2 above, feedback from others is positive so my manager wants to keep me around. My manager may also want me to develop further, so I can keep spreading these streams of empathy around the company.

What do you do? Would empathy help in your job?

Janet

*I'm assuming that you've spent time, at one point in your life, listening to a co-worker complain about work. That is not what I'm talking about here; I'm talking about listening to the person who is having trouble admitting that they made a mistake, and needs to express it without feeling like they'll be beat up for it. If someone had not been there for me, letting me know it was okay to make mistakes and move on, I wouldn't be good at what I do. 

Today's empathy, both the good and the bad

Today I tipped the gas station attendant who filled my car's tank. I gave him $2, he gave me a smile and a thank you. I'm not normally a tipper so this was unusual for me.

I wasn't thinking about doing it beforehand, again, this is an example of going with my gut feelings at the moment. I started with the thought,'it's really cold out there' and the next thought was 'this guy's job sucks, he's out in this horrible weather' and then 'i'd like to buy him a cup of coffee' led to pulling out my wallet to give him the tip.
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Later in the day, a coworker was sharing her troubles and I fell into trap #1 (comparing her problems with other people's) and trap #3 (trying to solve her problem) immediately. (Link to the traps article) I tried to come back to her later with an 'I'm sorry, that really sucks' comment but honestly I really think it was too little too late. It's hard to catch these things before they happen, but I'm going to keep trying.

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What I see from the above stories (and something I've noticed about myself in general) is that how easy I have empathy to others seems to be related to how well I know them. That is, if I don't have a relationship with the person to RISK, it's easier for me to put myself out there. However, if I do have a relationship with them, well, then I'm scared, my defenses come up, and I shut down empathy.

What about you? Have you tried to build empathy, what has been your experience?
Do you tip frequently?

Janet

Lack of Empathy at Work

Many years ago, I worked at a small office in New York. I was pretty happy there doing entry level work, my boss liked me and the only real downside to the job was the long commute.

I worked primarily with men, and there was one guy who everyone had a real issue with. The guy in question looked different than most of the other guys in our section, he was slight, he was generally unkempt in his appearance, and he slouched constantly. Let's call him Don. When I arrived on my first day, Don came to me and asked me to lunch in the office cafeteria.

At the time I considered it a friendly gesture from one employee to another, welcoming me to the group. When he continued to ask me to join him for lunch every day I became suspicious. Nobody else in the office group was going to the cafeteria, and we were getting looks. I refused him one day on a made-up excuse.

It was after Don left that others in my group shared with me their feelings about him. That he was odd, that he was obsessive about his things, and that he played tricks on them and that they enjoyed playing cruel but generally harmless tricks back (like stealing his personal items and returning them days or weeks later). They didn't tell me this before, they said, because he was 'all over me', and because they thought I might be interested in dating him. They wanted to be 'sure', they said.

All this left me feeling rather conflicted. On the one hand, I wanted to fit in. This was a new job (in a new career, actually) and these were the people I was supposed to be trying hard to impress. I didn't want to cause trouble within the group. On the other hand, I had spent a little time with Don and had found him funny and friendly. I wasn't interested in dating him (not sure why every time guys and girls get together THAT is the automatic assumption) but I wasn't going to be mean to him either.

The end of the story is that I chose to never have lunch with him again. I was friendly to him and we continued to have a good working relationship, although I think he never considered me a friend after I dropped him like a hot rock. I also chose not to become friends with the other guys in the office - after learning how they treated him, I really didn't want to be a part of that either.

I empathized with everyone and as a result became friends with none. I don't really think that I handled the situation well - maybe if I was a better person I could have pushed for the friendship with Don and told the rest of the guys to go jump in a lake.

Have you had issues with your co-workers, either now or in the past, that you feel you didn't handle well? Would more empathy have helped?

UPDATE

Just putting a little more thought into the above story. I said that I had empathy for both parties. I don't think that was true. I think I had sympathy for both parties. I didn't really feel what the other co-workers were feeling, so I didn't have empathy for them. I didn't really feel what Don was feeling, or I wouldn't have chosen to hurt him. Instead I chose to feel only my own feelings in the situation - confusion, not wanting to make trouble in a new office, and eventually, hurting Don.

I do remember feeling bad about cutting out Don. So maybe I had a little empathy for him.

Working at home

I don't go into my company's offices every day. I work full time (and consider myself pretty lucky to have a job these days) but 4 out of 5 days a week I work from home.

This is a really ideal way for me to work because of how my brain operates. I'm very easily distracted, so the days when I'm in the office go something like this:

7:15am - This is great, I forgot how nice it is to have all this technology right here. It's so quiet and a great place to work.
7:55am - Working hard and in the 'zone'.
8:01am - Huh, what's that? What, what's that? It's everyone arriving at once in high heels and clicky shoes! (which is not the same thing as slick shoes). This one is getting coffee, this one is having breakfast (munch munch) this one is talking on the phone all about the traffic getting in this morning.
8:15am - Starting to get back into working...
8:45am - Huh, what's that? Oh that's my office mate talking about personal stuff on the phone. That's my other office mate starting up this morning's round of conference calls.
9:00am - Oh, it's snowing, here's the walk-by discussions about the weather, here's the telephone calls about when folks will be getting home from work, if they will be leaving early.
9:15am - OMG I'M NEVER GETTING ANYTHING DONE!!!!

Yeah so for me, working from home is ideal.

What about your work situation? Anything about it you really like, or really don't like? What's one thing you would change about your work environment if you had the ability?